LIVING AWARE OF LIVING: May 2nd, 2005
06/11/2005 11:56 p.m.

Our calendar day consists of twenty-four hours. In terms of minutes it’s (twenty four)(sixty) = one thousand four hundred forty minutes. Yet, how many minutes in terms of LIVING do we have in one day? Then again, how many minutes in terms of living aware of LIVING? I call this 'living aware of living' CONSCIOUS LIVING, and I do not know how many of us have really experienced this real LIVING like a real LOVE, conscious love, as I call it, though we all claim that we live and love.

Well, I can talk only in terms of averages since there are days when it's nil. There are days when I am not LIVING one single moment. The question of the quality and the intensity of the CONSCIOUS LIVING can only arise once I learn to LIVE AWARE OF MY LIVING. Conscious living is simple in terms of intellectual understanding. We know what being aware means, it means aware of whatever we are engaged in. Yet, I walk unaware of my walking. I walk in space 'A' while I am in time 'B'’. I laugh – same. I talk- same. I let things happen unaware, though I claim I did them and I am capable of justifying anything and everything. As a matter of fact, this is this ‘sameness’ that turns what should be our doing (in terms of undoing) into happenings. There's an 'I' who is much needed for remaining aware. This 'I' is one of my selves who I identify as my INTENDING SELF, the self I want to BECOME. This ‘I’ is the one I want to remain AWARE of my LIVING. This ‘I’ is the one who I want to represent my CONSCIOUSNESS. This 'I' has to be the one who is always on the alert and watchful, always present.

How many minutes do I live aware of my LIVING? Well, I do not have much to claim, though at least 'I' know what barricades my awareness. Without going into the causes, I am resolving to remain aware, one more time. How many ‘one more times’ will I resolve, I am wondering now? How many ‘one more times’ will I have resolved so far? I know, frustrated and sometimes disgusted, that every time I say, 'well, the day is lost, I will start again from tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day,’ I am still killing every remaining moment of that day, of my LIFE. Why a day? Why should I sacrifice the remainder of a day? Not to mention that I know this postponement never works despite the pretext of sacrificing the remainder of the day. So, what do I do? I have found an answer. The answer is in subdividing the day into hours, and now it will be the hour sacrificed and not the day since I have decided to take stock of the past hour, every hour. I have decided to take account of the last hour and evaluate where I stand on this resolve of mine. I will. I will now take stock from hour to hour and account for that hour. This hourly balance sheet will keep me reminded of my resolve of LIVING AWARE OF LIVING that I call CONSCIOUS LIVING. I hope this will work. This practice will, at the very least, help me live more aware of living.

I am currently Bothered
I am listening to My Resolve