Is it morning yet?
03/31/2005 07:04 a.m.

March 2:
I wish I could say something grand and significant at this moment, or I wish I could try and ease some of the pain it's caused, but it seems I can't do either.....so, maybe I'll be seeing you in heaven Josh.


Can't find anything to wear today, don't wanna get dressed. Can't I just wear my bathrobe? My weekend bag wasn't packed for a funeral.


When is it really suppose to sink in that you're really gone? I'm just waiting to see you at some party and start another cycle of hanging out. It hasn't set in yet...almost a month and I don't believe it hapened.

Poor Sam.....



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Last night I dreamt of you, surprisingly I usually don't. It hurt, I woke up and couldn't shake it off, couldn't scrub it away in the shower, and couldn't run far enough away. And now I'm playing the sappy country songs still not knowing what to think................"cause I've been wrapped around her finger since the first time we went out.......i think it's time to put a ring on her finger, I'm wrapped around...."
Pink flowers are so perfect, we were so not. God why can't I ever get rid of you?! Forget about getting over you, I don't think that'll ever be possible. Maybe if it was a clean break, you can leave and move on and start a new life.....but with a messy one it's different, it just keeps hurting forever.


You still wanna marry me after college? Can we change our list for boy names, Romeo was just us being silly....or you were just being silly bringing up the past plans for our future late the other night. Why do you do that to me? I mean is it just that you were thinking about that and thought that I'd be fine with you bringing it up; or were you jockingly being serious??? Of coarse not.....I'm over-analyzing you again.
........."if my heart had wings, i would fly to you and lie beside you as you dream, if my heart had wings"........
Your bed is the comfy-est one I've ever been in, just making me wanna stay again.....in your arms, and sneaking out in the mid early hours preparing a goodmorning Cheryl I had a bad break-up and needed to talk speech just in case. And then make the drive home with half a dream to be continued in my joe-less bed.




So the Alex phase is over, at least for now it is.....I blame myself but someone else deserves some of the credit too. It sucks that after all of those years and steamy evenings that it just seemed to fizzle.....at least for me. I just wasn't feeling it, and if it's not madly passionate extraordinary then why waste both our times, right???



So it's almost April...29 more days till summer break. And I realize that not much has changed since high school......I still sneak out to see people I shouldn't, have occasional alcohol binges (ima fish! hehe!), work at SNS on weekends, meet the occasional potential that always seems to fizzle down to nothing, still wishing I would call up people of the past (but I don't), trying not to call people that don't ever answer (but my fingers dial faster than my head), and I'm still not over you, I'm not past us.


Ok, done with depressing Jenn for a lil.........I have a whole 3 month vacation coming soon and I think I'll go exploring and try something new. Hmmm......maybe I'll learn how to sail and sneak the boat out one morning for a little water fun, I could fish. Or maybe just keep adding the miles to my car with a road trip, dunno to where yet, but anywhere new would be great. I got it...I'll be daring and go swimming at night even if there's seaweed in the water (I'm a brave little toaster).

This weekend I get to go to the west coast and drive to some island beach...maybe I'll even see the sunset for the first time. Not exactly a romantic setting there with Ash, but it'll be a great view.

I think this entry was just my way of procrastinating a late night study session for my exam tomorrow...so off to hit the books and hopefully this little rambling is enough to shut down my thoughts for a while.
I am currently Somber
I am listening to More sad country tunes