connections
03/02/2005 05:30 a.m.
I feel I've lost the connection between my body and my mind. sometimes when I'm walking, I'll stop to think about something and a few seconds later I'll wonder if I stopped walking or am I still moving. like I lose myself for a few seconds. my head is one place and my body is somewhere else. I don't feel connected. Is that why I did what I did to Eric? sounds like a cop out, doesn't it? I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking these days. and I know that's why things are like this. Eric wanted to know what I was thinking, why did I kiss that other boy. I don't know. I have no idea. what really did it was when he asked why I couldn't love him more. that sentiment... I mean, I've felt that. I've wanted to say that to people. and I made someone feel that way. being on this side of things is terrible. but it's where I'm living these past few years. I don't know how to get the connection back. and maybe I'm scared to. once I get it back, I'll have to face what I did. really face it. and that is going to hurt.

this summer we're going to California for a family reunion. I love California, especially the part we're going to. northern California. it has a totally different feel than Georgia. it's almost like you can feel the ocean on the other side of you. strange. maybe going there will help me sort some things out. and I'm hoping Koye coming next week will do me some good. I'll probably spill my guts to him and sob all over the place and keep a headache. but it will be wonderful. he's so amazing. he's like my lighthouse. I might hit some waves, deal with some pirates, but he's always there for me to come back to. I really love him.

I don't know what else to do. I am a monster.
I am currently Detached