yes.
02/19/2005 04:23 a.m.
yes. it was a break up. we need to be apart to see if we need each other or not. it was terrible. a terrible, terrible thing. we smoked a black & mild just like at the train station. he cried. I cried. he told me to keep the CD. he's going to keep Pig. he hates Pig. he still loves me. I still love him. maybe in a month this will all be a joke. maybe in a month he will have found a better girl. maybe in a month he'll have realized how little he needs me. you never know. being single is one thing. being apart is another. oh God, the worst part. leaving that bench we were sitting at and talking. we hugged and I felt him sob. it was like a knife. when we pulled apart, I leaned in to kiss him. he shook his head and pulled away. that was like a bomb. a huge atomic bomb. he walked me back to my building and we hugged again. I told him to be careful like I always do when he walks home at night. he said I love you, Emmy. I said I love you too. and that was it.

why is it so hard to do something you need to do? I hate this necessary pain. I hate thinking of what might happen if we don't get back together. I hate thinking of what he'll say to his sisters. they want us to get married. his uncle that wanted to set him up with a black girl will sure be happy. my dad will be relieved. at least for a while. my older brother will certainly be happy.

I'm so glad I have Heather. I would have absolutely broken into a thousand pieces had she not been there. I still might break into a thousand pieces, but she'll be there to glue me back together and say it'll be ok.

I smiled a little at the thought that me and Koye's promise has been reinstated. a little light at the end of the tunnel.

but I'm afraid. I might not sleep tonight at all. how can I get into bed and fall asleep? the only reason I'm not crying right now is because my mind is occupied with pressing the right keys to say what I want to say. I can't stop and think about this because I might never stop. I may just have to cry myself to sleep.

everything reminds me of him. that will NEVER go away.

I have to stop doing this now. I should think about how great a day I had with Jared and Joe. it was a great day. I got some beautiful pictures. oh God, I forgot. as we were walking back to my building, he said he saw some trees over by Southern Courtyard and he thought that I would have thought it would make a pretty picture. he said that. I wanted to just go, ok, that's enough proof for me. what an amazing thing to say. I adore him.

this is never going to last. I can't believe this is done.
I am currently Depressed