angry over a dream
01/05/2005 05:52 p.m.
so I had a dream and I feel like I might have been guiding it a little. but it definitely was a dream. and I wasn't wearing any pants, oddly. but I asked him why we never got together. I made him swear that he would finally tell me the God's honest truth no matter how it would hurt me. and he told me what I've always been waiting to hear. that he's just... not attracted to me. that was the answer I'd always expected. then I realized that he cares about me as a friend so he'd probably never say that to my face cause he knows that would hurt me. so I've been like agonizing over it cause I honestly believe it must be because he doesn't think I'm pretty enough or skinny enough or boyish enough or whatever. and it's torture because I don't think he'll ever say that. but in this dream, he came right out with it. and he looked a lot taller and bigger than he really does. and I was intimidated. and maybe that was because I wasn't wearing pants, ok. but it was bittersweet because he finally told the truth. what was funny was that after he said it, I wished I wouldn't have asked. not knowing was better than knowing. that NEVER happens to me. but I feel like I've found the instance where I'd rather just not know. but as soon as that sentiment escapes, I feel I really WOULD like to know. not that it would change anything. we all know I'm not even happy with myself. it's not like I'd be harder on myself than I already am. but it's just the thinking about how many poems I've written about how beautiful he is. and everyone has flaws, it's true, but my poetry does not even hint at his. it's all roses. so if he comes back with, "I'm just not attracted to you," I mean, how much poetry is that down the drain? it's true insanity. it really is. that I can't just put this away. that he pops up every now and then to remind me that there is some unrequited love somewhere in my past. and God knows I can't resist the martyrdom and sadness of unrequited love. just like Koye said, there's sweetness in it. you get to be sad. you have a reason to mope. I shouldn't have a reason to mope. I have requited love. but every so often I'm reminded that one got away. ok, way more than one got away. but one important one... one I thought definitely should be reciprocal... got away. and I don't even know why. it would have ruined our friendship. I can't buy that. I just can't. I feel there's more. and there I am back to wanting to know more. I should give this up.
I am currently Stupid
I am listening to nothing