understanding "best friend"
11/18/2004 03:21 a.m.
it has finally hit me. what it really means. and I'm not upset about it. it actually makes sense. I'm ok. he gets what he needs from me... I get what I need from him. if we don't need anything, that's ok. the time we spent was because that's what we were doing at the time. when I spend a weekend doing my homework and I don't talk to him, that's ok. I can always talk to him when I get done and have some time. if he wants to go and play a game with his friends, we'll talk until it's time for him to play, and we'll talk again later when neither of us is busy. and it's all ok. it has nothing to do with talking for exactly an hour and a half every day. it has nothing to do with limits. that is why he's my best friend. because there can be a span of time where we don't talk and we don't die. we're not joined at the hip. it's more like joined at the spirit. and what's better? we were wrong. I was wrong. things didn't work out like we were thinking, I guess. but that doesn't mean that's it. in fact, I'd venture to say that I will stay friends with him for as long as I want to put up with him. And I love him, so, there's no chance that something will go so wrong that we can't fix it. we're not Bells for Her. I was scared he thought we were. we're not. I really believe we're something totally different.

I look at Eric and I think of how interesting and wonderful it will be to be a wife and a mother. I cannot wait to be a mother. there is something in me that has kicked in, I guess. I didn't think I'd feel like this... that I'd ever want to endure the pain of labor for a smelly, messy baby... but I do. my biology has turned on me. before this moment, I thought these feelings were totally incompatible with being friends with Koye. how stupid. I wanted to break it off completely so Koye and I could start again. we don't need to start again. we just need to keep going. change with the times, with what life is bringing us. new people are in our lives. important people. but they don't push out older important people. we just add them in. and I feel like we'll still always be what we've been. I can see us old and silly. I still see that as plain as ever. nothing really has changed. it's going to be ok.

he's right, I think, about himself. but what I think he misses is that it doesn't matter to me. if he gets me off his phone to go play poker with some boys, that's ok. I love him. poker with some boys and wanting to get me off his phone isn't going to change that. not talking for a weekend (or for weeks, months) isn't going to change how I feel about him... why would it change how he feels about me? it's just like any other love. I'm not going to be swayed by rough times.

ha, I win. I've put everything into perspective. I have pretty much accepted that I'm not going to be able to quash all jealousy. but I'm thinking some of it is definitely quashed. squashed. zucchinied even.

damn, I'm good.
I am currently Happy
I am listening to Law and Order in the next room