Heck of a first Journal entry, but it's what is on my mind.
11/12/2004 02:52 a.m.
I’m am in a circumstance, caught between freedom and the time it takes to reach it. I made a vow that I cannot break, but I am done with this place. Therein lies the problem. With every day I stagger through the minutia of bureaucracy and being at the whim of those who have exceeded the level of their incompetence, I lose a bit of resolve and intelligence. My reality has become something to survive rather than something to savor, but I made a promise, and I will lose all faith in myself if I abandon that promise for my own sake.

It seems to be a bit of a problem within myself, I tend to fall apart at the end of the ball game, so to speak. I fall apart when what is distant becomes my immediate future and I struggle with the last days. I wish I could locate that strength my parents obviously had to hang on long after the final whistle has blown.

I am faced with another day tomorrow and it makes my skin crawl. I secretly wish for magical powers to make those unworthy of breathing oxygen disappear and I suffer an inordinate amount of pain in the fact that the desire goes against the very fiber of who I want to be.

I have another shortcoming as well that I’d like to get out into the realm of cyber space. I find it hard not to use my Father’s curse. He had the ability to use words to cut a person to their core without breaking a sweat. I also have that curse but you have to really piss me off to get me to that point. I am very near that point with my boss at work. I have the string of put downs that will flow from me like water from a fountain. Thus far, they have stayed internal but I struggle with the desire to tell him how little I think of him. He is such an easy target for his flaws are a numerous as stars in the sky, but it’s almost too easy. Do I really need to point out his insignificance? It is so obvious.

What is troubling is this unworthy consumer of valuable resources, like air, water and food, does have, at least temporarily, power over me. Power that he has recently exercised. It was a big step for him and I’m sure he longs for the day that he can return to playing Solitaire on his computer instead of actually making a difference in the world. This man is a former preacher. You know how they say that former smokers are the worst? Well, former preachers may have them beat, although I can only base my opinion on the one Godless man that I’ve had the displeasure of meeting. The only more vile thing I’ve come in contact with is the stuff that comes out of my sweet kitty’s anal glands.

The issue I have is not that he is insignificant, because I can’t control that. It’s that he is so low that I cannot stoop to his level. It’s not possible for me to lose my compassion and I will more likely than not, feel badly for telling him what I’m sure he already knows. It’s a dilemma and I will struggle to let go of the anger I have toward him and realize that’s it’s enough punishment that he will have to live the rest of his life without a purpose. I will do my best to leave behind my heritage on this one and respect the position he holds despite the lack of respect that I have for the man who holds it.
I am currently Frustrated