boys who hate me and why
08/02/2004 06:00 p.m.
Ryan:
Jared

John:
Jonny

Tommy:
Koye

Eric:
Siddarius

so I was on the phone with Eric last night and I had a revelation that made me wish Koye was on the phone (cause he would have understood when Eric didn't). Siddarius thought I was his girlfriend, Alicia and told me that I "run Eric's fucking life" and when he realized it was me, he hung up on me. so I called Eric and told him. Siddarius beeped in and told him himself and said that "Emily might be pissed" and implied it would be at Eric. um, no. stupid. but I was treated to the girl-like cattiness that I try so hard to avoid. and this time it came from a boy! but I mean really, if you don't like me, tell me. don't pretend. I hate that shit more than I can describe. but the revelation hit me that the friends of the boys I date absolutely hate me. with Ryan Vaughn it wasn't so noticable because we barely dated, but when I "broke up" with him to date J Rich, Jared was a total jerk to me. then I started dating John Richardson and his best friend Jonny couldn't stand me. he hates me to this day, I swear. then, of course, we all know the confusing debacle of Koye being the friend who hates me of the boy I'm dating. that's a complicated one. but if you think of it like this, his being so upset makes PERFECT and EXACT sense. and now Eric's best friend, Siddarius hates me (not to mention Eric's friend Chariece). so the question Eric poses when I explain all this to him is "why?" I tell him the egotistical part of me says, "well, I am so great that when boys like me, they REALLY like me and can't get enough of me and it pisses off people they used to give attention to." but I seriously doubt that. and then I admitted to myself how I am with boys. boyfriends have one purpose... me. give me attention. love me. desire me. think I'm great. and if you don't, I don't need you as a boyfriend. I have the greatest best friend in the entire world. I can talk to him about anything. I don't need a boyfriend to really talk to or be deep with, I just want someone who really thinks I'm hot and cute and sweet and smart and who will tell me that every moment of every day. if you can't do that as my boyfriend, you need not apply. it just so happens that I have a boyfriend right now that I absolutely adore inside and out and if he stopped telling me all those things, I would be crushed, but I would still love him with all my heart and need him to be in my life. so Eric cured me rather than me healing myself. but I'm still demanding, I still need all the time he can give me. and what was really going on last night was that I hate when people say they'll do something and then they don't. so Eric was trying to keep me happy. and Siddarius interpreted Eric wanting to call me at a certain time as me running his life. I resent that so much. nobody has to do what I ask them to. I'm not in the habit of holding guns to people's heads. Eric is a grown man and he does what he wants. Siddarius is a fucking idiot for blaming me. but now I'm off track. the question is why do my boyfriends' friends hate me? and I honestly believe I'm not going to get anywhere until I talk to Koye about this. rar. I guess that's all then.
I am currently Angry
I am listening to "Needle in the Hay" by Elliot Smith