It started out blah
07/24/2004 05:17 a.m.
I just want to find that little piece of heaven again, whether it be with you or from some random whim. I just want to feel like I can open my arms and not have the worries of something rushing in to grab me at my weakest moments. I need to feel the weight of something or anything that can give me matter and keep my feet planted somehwere to be watered and nourished to start to grow, to start a new. Orlando is holding up but with thin facades of smiles and laughter and late night sleep-overs. Too much pain here, not even mine, just too much is happening to close ones and it only stirs my shit around...shit I have acted pretty damn hard to keep covered and protected like a bandaid without anything on underneath to help heal. I don't want to heal, I don't want to have to peel off the strips because no matter what speed I go it will only hurt. Sometimes I feel that I've finaly found the drifter in me just to realize that this "home space" is not what it use to be. It has somehow been changed yet I can't seem to find the difference. OOO July already, soon another January, and it just makes my two year anniversary seem like such a permanent lifestyle and not just me being picky. He's gonna know, he's going to be able to read me next time and call my bullshit like when I try to pass off two eights as one two. I just need to meet someone that I can feel comfortable with again....sadly this makes me come to the conclusion that I really was ruined by the incident in 9th, by the pain that I don't know who I can trust and people close to me will only hurt me more than complete strangers. Damn you, damn me, damn joe for being right about you, damn him for not being there to stop it all and prevent my ruined self; damn me for choosing the worst possible time to finally stop beig the jabber-mouth, damn me for being the world's greatest actress and never letting him catch on to me, even still now. Oh God please let her be okay, let her find "her" way of dealing with this so that she will not be haunted the way I've been. Please....seriously, I don't ask for much except time reversals, so just pull this miracle from the night sky and make all well again for those who ache.
I am currently Thunderstruck
I am listening to late night shows in the background