?
07/20/2004 10:07 p.m.
I keep hearing things. I get tactile hallucinations all the time... mostly in the form of feeling something on my skin that isn't really there. but I don't really ever hear or see things that aren't there. so for the past few... days?... weeks?... I don't know, I've been assuming there's a TV on somewhere or Zane's left his music on again. but when neither of those things are true, and I'm really quiet, sometimes I hear talking. it's very faint, and maybe I'm too good at pretending or I'm paranoid, but it happens. it has happened before, but only when I'm just waking up. like I'll have a dream, and feel like I've been awakened by someone talking, and there'll be no one there.

I finally fell asleep at 6:30 this morning and slept til about 2:00. I'm not sure why I'm having so much trouble sleeping.

I feel a really intense conversation with Koye coming on. He's thinking things, and I'm thinking things. honestly, I'm not sure I want to say what I'm thinking though. I want to try my best not to be the insensitive, dense, unsympathetic skeptic that I sometimes can be, but that side of me is creeping up. it's common knowledge that I have a hard time being understanding if people take "too long" to get over something. I'm often guilty of thinking people should be over things by now. my mother and I have had conversations about that, but always in the context of someone dying. which makes everything seem that much more melodramatic. but what it boils down to is, I'm thinking some egotism is at work here, and whenever you call someone on that, bad things occur. throughout this whole situation, I (and, by the way, not just me, but many many other people) have had a hard time seeing why this is so important to Koye. the place that I came to back then and am still at now is that - it - doesn't - matter - . it doesn't matter that I don't understand why he's affected by it. I'm his best friend, and when he's says, "what you're doing is hurting me," I should stop. and I should have. if someone asked me to describe what I did wrong in this situation, I'd say, "I ignored my best friend when he said he was in pain. I could have stopped it, but I didn't." that doesn't mean I understand why he was hurting. that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to understand why he was hurting. I'd like to know. I think knowing would make things easier. and I'm sure he's thinking that he's been explaining all along, and I'm just not listening. he has been trying to explain. I'm sure he's done his best. but I still don't understand. and I think I may have to come to the conclusion that I never will understand, and in the long run, who cares if I do or not?

I don't know what this accomplished. but I think I'm done because I've run out of things to say. ugh.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to nothing