alone in my anger
06/04/2004 05:12 a.m.
and it's really sad. I wasn't always this way. there was a time when at least one person understood. but now I'm just alone in my anger. just one stupid little girl running around talking about kicking asses... oh no, I'm avril lavigne. no. can't be. I'm going to deny that now.

but that fact makes me even more angry. that I'm alone. that he has all these pretty, happy feelings for him now and I'm just here going, "you asshole, you fake, you liar, you... salty dog... right? ...right??" and I look around, and I'm all alone. it's stupefying. I have no idea if I spelled that right or not. but that's what it is. it's nuts. and I'm left here by myself feeling, as always, like a psychotic.

it really serves to fizzle a feeling, you know? and I want to hang on to being mad at him. I'm not sure why. I broke up with him. or, ok, maybe that's why. because I know I'm to blame here. I know I'm the one that he should be writing angry poems about or whatever. but he didn't really. and that is sort of insulting, I guess. I always assumed, well, he's not writing any love poetry for me, maybe if I break his heart, I'll get his attention. and well, look at that. not even that did it. so. I don't know. weird things going on.

but I always thought Koye would be on my side. I always thought I could count on him to be angry with me. but, that being said, I know I created this oddness. I know I created a weird situation where he can't really be expected to "choose sides." Simeon talked to me about this in the beginning. he said if we broke up that would lead to uncomforableness with me and Koye. and that I wouldn't be able to ask to Koye to be on my side. the other party is Koye's friend too, and just as deserving to ask him to be on his side. so I created this stupid thing. still... I wanted him to be with me over here in angry land. it would be nicer if he were here. it'd be like a vase with flowers in it on a table somewhere in hell. what a terrible analogy.

it's late, and I'm rambling. and I don't even know what I really expect. I want to forget about him. I want to erase him from my past. it's that fucking song we picked. it's stuck too well.

and I want me and Koye to go back to the way we were. bring on the fucking Babs song. maybe when I get back home and we're able to talk, things'll even out. I hope so.

I want to go home. I want to be brainwashed. I want to start over. or at least take an eraser to my memory. ugh. oh well.
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to Conan O'Brien. yes.