a farewell to arms
03/16/2004 03:50 p.m.
I'd like to run away to Washington. I think it would be the most interesting thing I've ever done. and I also think Tyler would be the best person to do it with. and you see these kind of things on movies where they don't do it, and you're asking why, and saying, "well, if I were her..." but you're not inside that character. you're not putting yourself behind her eyes and looking out. you don't know she's already got so many things tying her down. that's a scary thought at such a young age. that I'm not even 20 years old and I have enough ties to make me hesitate at running away to Washington. that's scary. to be so young and so caught. and this is me, once again trying to be all things for all people. and I've told so many friends through my advice never, never to do that. but it's hard to take that advice. I want to be Eric's wife, Koye's plutonic life partner, and Tyler's stowaway. and I can't do it all. and I don't want to decide because I want to do it all. all of those things would make me happy. maybe all four of us could go to Washington and live together and Eric and I could have a baby or two... and... it's not going to work. there are about a million problems I see already. ah, to start over. but then, if you start over, you have to lose what you've already found, and what I've found are some amazing, wonderful people. if I started over, I think it would be only fair for God to say, ok no more amazing, wonderful people... give others a chance.

why am I writing this? so people know I'm thinking it. so it doesn't look like I didn't even consider everyone in my life. I consider them constantly. at every turn I'm thinking about people in my life. what should I be to them? how? never why. I know why. you would know why too if you knew these people. they are out of this world. they aren't human, they're so great. and how, I ask, did they come to enjoy me in some way? I don't get that, I never have.

but I'm considering them. and all their possible endings. and I feel, once again, like a whore.
I am currently Overwhelmed