a journal entry I shouldn't write
02/11/2004 10:59 p.m.
I wrote this all about a week ago before I'd talked to Koye about it. I'm still not done talking to Koye about it, and these were my notes for the conversation essentially. maybe I shouldn't post it, but, ah heck, why not?

"well, I could mention that he told me he wasn't physically attracted to her. either he lied to me or he's lying to her. either way, it doesn't look good on his part. Eric said to this, "maybe people change?" I then made a sound with my lips and teeth that sounds something like this: "pfuthuth." are people really what I always feared? shake the eight ball. all signs point to yes.

you know what really angers me about it? they were there with him. she consoled him when I was hurting him. and now she turns around and does the same thing I was doing? and it's ok for her?? does he hate her like he hated me? or is it somehow better that it's her? and why? why did I get punished and she's not? WHY? I love him more than she does. we've been friends for WAY longer. and I just feel like she's trying to be me or something. date the boy I dated, STEAL my best friend. this is turning into a very dramatic, middle school "she's taking you!" thing."

and that's as far as I got. some of these things I remembered in my conversation with Koye and he explained "why" to the best of his ability. but I still don't think it's fair. I feel like everything I do is wrong, but everything anyone else does is just fine and dandy. and why should she be shown exception when I wasn't? I don't know, I guess I'm looking at this a different way than he is.

and all that I wrote makes me come off as greatly disliking her, but that is SO not the case. I reeeeally like her. she and I are VERY similar people. eeeeeerily similar. disturbingly similar. so of course it's not like I dislike her. it's just the role she's filling right now that doesn't sit well with me.

it seems like I'm the only one who thinks this is a big, or somewhat big, deal. and that really bothers me. that first paragraph especially. boys might really be what I feared... liars.

I also have the distinct feeling that I'm making too much of this. but I very often have that feeling, so I don't put too much stock in it.

who knows? who knows anything? who knows why I put this up here? it may only cause hurt.

that being said, Eric called me evil the other day when I said that I thought any boy who had rejected a girl deserved to be rejected himself. that it was karma. what goes around comes around.

just saying.

I think that's all. maybe too much. gosh.
I am currently Dismayed