My drunken ramblings on the worst day of my life.
01/23/2004 06:20 a.m.
Today has been the worst day of my life….So far.

I went to sleep at 9pm last night…. I was tired.. I read a little.. I ended up passing out quick… I was happy.. had awesome dreams.. that made me wake up even…at 4am… I herd sniffling… I fell back asleep…

I had this wicked dream about school buses and crazy people… then I hear it again.. this sobbing..

I crawl out of bed at like 6:30 am… no longer able to sleep… I turn too, and wipe the dreams from my face…

I hear it again.. this sniffle… this snort of snot through a clogged nose..

I come to and figure a shower would help me wake up from this sleepy haze.. I feel great.. happy.. like I’d slept just enough.

I come out, dry off, slip into clean clothes.. and start to think about breakfast.. quickly dismissing that idea… and then decide to hop on x box live…

I play a couple of rounds with some Germans, since it’s like 6:30 am… and then finally find and English room around 7:30… So I play till 9 am, and figure I should clean the house a little since I’ll be at work till 6 or 9pm… I gather all the trash, recycle and such, and I hear it.. Like out of a dream…

It’s my grandmother, standing in the hallway.. I ask her, how is she this morning, she says fine.. but she’s got this funk in her nose that makes her all stuffy… I laugh and say I know how she feels since I have been congested for the last 2 weeks or so… I continue to clean the house and tidy up, when she comes back and says that she’s just found out that my grandfather has to go on assisted living…

Just seeing her cry alone shattered my heart.. to hear her talk killed my soul. I started shaking.

I told her to calm down.

I took out the trash…

I was wearing sunglasses as the sun amburst in my eyes… as the sparkles filled my spectrum.. I laughed to myself in such beauty in madness.

Today has been surreal. Everything has had meaning. Everything has had a logic to it’s means.

I was so shooken by all this… I came back in… Gathered my stuff..and left for work and hour early.

I walk to work.. it’s like 5 minutes… but I walk past a hardees… and figure.. gram’s has always loved comfort food… When my uncle died.. she showed up with olive garden… So I went to hardees.. and bought her a biscuit… I bought 3 different kinds just to make sure to get one she’d like. I didn’t want her to do anything crazy or stupid… so I waited a few minutes… and walked home.

I walked in the house.. the door was unlocked… I walked into her room.. it was empty.. My heart jumped.. I called out… No answer… Memo? (Me-Maw) A hustles reponse from the bathroom, ‘I’m in here, Aaron’

My heart jumped… I was relieved. I asked her which she liked best.. and she told me, and I left it on her bed.

I walked out to the kitchen to make myself a quick cup of coffee.. and she thanked me from her room about how she haden’t had one of these in months.. I am so close to tears, it hurts… I don’t know what to do.. how to solve this. I feel myself cave another level…

So I pour the luke warm water into the cup, stir quickly, and pour cream and sugar…which I know won’t dissolve… but I just want to flee.. So I do.

I’m walking.. headphones on… cd of counting crows.. the live one… crystalinging these moments into music… suicidal thoughts running with round here… these angels wings plucked from dreams.

I walk up to a corner pizza place with outside tables… and eat my breakfast.

I walk to the Exxon.. the nice old lady with the silver gray hair and more wrinkles and a shitzu smiles and welcomes me in the warmness of convience… I ask her for some smokes, she jokes and asks me my age.. I feel quirky and don’t wanna talk.. So I hand her my ID card… She smiles.. even tho she’s seen the same card over 3 dozen times… I don’t even feel like telling her anymore… make her work for it.. it’s my addiction.

I gather my smack… and think back to all that has happened.. just since 7am.

I walk to work…. Cold winds whip me as cars pass at 45…I cross traffic at a lull, but skip at a pace just to make sure some leadfoot doesn’t end me up next to my old man… I walk singing, as I always do… into work… cold grey ghost that is my home away from home…Dark… Cold.. until I open those doors.

I walk in.. unlock it all.. and see the note to make two batches of dough… and of the bulk order…

The farthest things from my mind at this point… I know.. I’m awake.. but I need… substance.

I lock up shop, walk to 7-11 to buy Red Bull and MD.. Mountain Dew….or else there’d be a 20/20… even tho that probably would have been a good idea.

Walk back… I’m there at 9:30… 30 mins early.. never happens. I spaz… throw some music in, drink a red bull and take a strattarol.. or how ever you sell it…

I bust out a batch of dough in 45 mins… a record... an hour to have it wrapped…

I bust that out before even my day driver shows up.

I get the cheese we need by calling around to the other groggy managers/shift runners and have a game plan before my day driver even shows…

I’m in the middle of wrapping the last rack of dough when she walks in… 5 feet nine… blonde hair to her blades, a smile that melts me… I have a serious crush on this girl.

See… I love Stevie nicks. I adore her. I was raised to love her… I would marry her now.

And this woman.. Renee.. reminds me of a young Stevie.

And I adore her.

But I’m getting ahead of myself…

I’ve known Renee now for about 3 weeks… We’ve talked a lot in our time working together…and to be honest… she’s awesome. At the point where.. honestly.. I think she’s too awesome for me.

I’d rather have her as a friend than a lover… and it breaks my heart to know that I can be that honest.

So today… I asked her a lot f tough questions.. and she answered honestly…

So by the end of her shift… I’d asked her to dinner…

She quickly responded.. Tonight?!?

I was like, No… Not tonight… Tomorrow.. if that’s ok with you…

Knowing… that.. tomorrow we worked another shift together.. and tonight was bowling night.

So I went home… sad to know I’m back home.. but happy.

I got home.. took a shower.. and smoked.

I felt better.. but conversations with people to explain the day just really killed me…

So I dropped it all and hopped in a car and went bowling..

No escape.

I find Paul and everyone. But not a minute goes by until someone who knows the family asks how He’s doing…. ‘Better than last week?’

I want to jump across the table at this bitch. And kill her.

I refrain… I swallow hard.

I can feel the lump in my throat.

In closing of the conversation…
‘All I can say is Pray… It’s what I’m doing.’

I try and wipe my mind clear with Amber Bach… and team friendship…
It helps me forget… I laugh..have a good time.. but yet.. I feel hallow.

Like I am missing my soul… like there’s this cold wind inside me…

The beer buzz creeps on and I forget my worries for a while.. untl bowling is over..

And I’d made Mike promise me to take me home after bowling….

That didn’t work out.

We end up at the bar down the street…

Drama ensues… but I’m so detached from it all.. I don’t even care… I drink myself into a stupor, alsmot to the point I run into a cop head on, on his way to the bathroom… sheesh… No wonder I don’t drink anymore..

Needless to say…I got home safe… but today… fuck today…today doesn’t even deserve to be written about… but you know what? I don’t care.. this is my essence.. this was my day.. thus was the day the hearing my real mother cry broke my heart,,, made me shake.. made my soul creep into the shadows..
This is the day I looked for oncoming mack trucks, the day that I hoped the over was leaking gas and the whole store would be a fireball so my grandmother could live out her life happy…

But here I am.. the fuck up.. the soul singer… the moron.

I swear… I must have done something fucked up in a past life to have all this pain in my life.

I must have killed millions.. and killed my own.. because… I feel like I’m cursed. I feel like no matter what I do.. I’m destined to fail… Maybe I’m wrong.. and I’m just drunk.. which is true at this point… but honestly… all this… it seems so pointless in the grand scheme of things… it’s hard to keep faith when everyone lets you down… it’s hard to keep faith in yourself.

I miss yesterday.


I am currently Bleh