ramble
01/20/2004 06:52 a.m.
sometimes it makes its way to the surface. I'll be lying there or sitting and it'll be a dull pain in my chest. maybe I'll ignore it or pretend it's something else. but he asks me what I'm feeling and there's only one thing that makes any sense.

"sad."

and there is no real reason. I usually can't point out one. I'm just sad. it's possible that the whole day could have been wonderful, but at that very second, I'm sad. and as soon as I verbalize what it is, I cry. if he's around to see it, I know he feels like it's his fault. it might not be. it might be. I don't really know most of the time. but now I know that it doesn't only happen when he's around. cause I'm feeling it right now. I don't want to call and wake him up... he has work really early in the morning. besides, I have no idea what I would say.

it's the best feeling when I can just hold him and he's not wondering why I want to. he just lets me. cause, honestly, I don't know why I want to. how could I explain it? so it's best when he doesn't wonder why. when I don't have to stick my bottom lip out for him to hug me, or tickle him in order to make him touch me. I'm allowed to hold him for as long as I want for whatever reason I want.

compromise is one of those things you really have to learn once you get into a serious relationship. and I don't want to have to explain that to him, but, oddly, sometimes it seems like he has to remind me of it. something as simple as our morning routine can cause a fight. I want to lay around for a while and plan out my day before I get moving. he wants to get up, make the bed, go about his day, listen to sports radio, do, do, do. and that can cause a fight. so we wake up, potty and brush our teeth, lay down for a minute and cuddle. once I get enough kisses and decide I'm ready to plan, we get up, start making the bed, and while we're moving, he tells me the plan for the day. compromise.

parents really do a lot to screw their children up. and I didn't even really feel the effects in my case until I went off to college. until my mother decided to confide in me about her relationship with my dad. so the relationship that I use as a base for all my relationships takes a blow, one I never really saw coming, and I'm screwed up in my thinking about things. he keeps telling me, "I'm not your dad." and he's really not, but I've become paranoid about keeping my relationship from doing what my parents' did. one of the most basic things that women require, need, value is to be desired. I'm no different. that is what keeps me from being single forever. I want to feel desired, and if I feel specifically not desired, I must be in danger of becoming old, lonely, bored, washed up. and it's minute by minute. he'll say, "I want you," and I'll be fine for five minutes. then it might occur to me that I haven't been told I'm wanted for a whole five minutes. I must be ugly, fat, undesirable.

the whole world is changing. today I feel older than I ever have. it's like you expect to feel on your birthday, but you never really get that I'm-a-year-older feeling. that's the feeling I have. and I'm going to fall asleep in astronomy tomorrow. goodnight.
I am currently Tired
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