Insomnia
01/12/2004 11:09 a.m.
Just when you think you’re going to be able to fall asleep.. all these thoughts intrude into your mind.. and worry you awake… all these unanswered questions waiting at the door… and all I can do is ask questions in hope of some answers…

Ah… Insomnia.. has come to visit me once again.. with these inspirations.. but I have shit to do tomorrow.. I have to open a pizza joint at 10 am and I have a campfire in my ashtray… ah.. what a 6am kinda morning…
It’s so cold, I can feel the cold creeping on the floor from the windows… I walked home from work last night.. my nose ran like a cold water faucet.. just waiting to freeze my upper lip to my nose..

I’m such a sucker.. I knew I should have just crawled into bed after I got home from work at 2am.. but no.. I play games till 3.. then crawl into bed.. but no.. no no no.. I can’t sleep.. not now.. not when I have shit to do tomorrow.. and a long boring day at a slack ass pizza shop… I’ll probably fall asleep.. great…

But I guess the good news is, I’m in a writing kinda mood.. now if I can only inspire myself to write some stuff.. I’m in a really weird mood.. Happy I got the job, Devastated over my grandfather… he’s the main reason I can’t sleep… It just destroys me to think that he might not recover from this.. thinking these might be his last days… I pray.. since I can’t perform miracles… His myriad of medical problems is astounding.. he’s like a f’n tank… He’s mos def from the old skool. Built like a shit brick house.. I love the old bastard.. but seeing someone taken down to the notch of not being able to talk or walk or write.. and it pretty much drops you to babylevel.. like you’re not even human anymore.. but you know in the core, the heart.. they are there.. unable to perpetuate what that want or need.. So sad to see someone stumble over the words I love you… three simple words.. but a battle on the lips of the old man… shatters me… he always said he wanted to write a book.. he never got around to it.. I wish he would have… now.. if he doesn’t recover.. it’ll be lost forever.. Maybe I should write it for him…

I don’t know people.. I don’t know what to tell you.. I’m so emotionally drained from this whole experience… it’s shown me a lot about myself.. and about other people.. I’ve done a lot of soul searching these last few months.. trying to figure out what the hell my problem is… with life in general.. and I really think it comes down to the fact that I don’t know what I should live for now.. I used to live for love.. but love is a farce.. Love is what you make it.. Sure you have to work for it.. but right now… Love is mocking me.. and I probably deserve it..
So do I live for Art? I mean I have a lot of ideas for art.. but look at me.. I’m a poser at best..
I know doubting myself is a tragedy.. I should be more headstrong…
People compliment me on my works.. but what the hell… You can’t believe everything you read…

So what do I live for? Life? This joke that’s been placed upon my lips in a drunken stumble?
This on running farce of a lifestyle where I just end up being a computer gargoyle perched to publish another poem..

Yeah.. that’s me.. Your own personal Gargoyle… Pretense to the pounce.. more bounce to the ounce… That’s me..

So I’m gonna go brainstorm and come up with a few love poems.. if I can..

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Ice crean - sarah mc