The truth...today..
01/05/2004 10:23 p.m.
Maybe I’m emotional today.. maybe tomorrow…

Well.. for some of you who don’t know.. My grandfather had a stroke 4 days before Christmas.. I tried to remain chipper through all this.. I really haven’t talked with anyone about it.. save a couple of close friends.. but to be honest, I got sick to my stomach about that look they give you.. that “I’m so sorry” look that everyone gets.. I don’t deserve that kind of pity.. I don’t want it either. Besides.. I’m tired of talking about the whole situation. It’s shitty.. I know this.. I don’t want to have to explain it again…I’m living it.

I might as well explain this too, I have a severe phobia of hospitals.. I despise them.. I won’t step a foot in one.. I can feel the misery that resides within those walls.. the despair in everyone’s face.. I can see the sadness.. the death and it scares the hell out of me. Any medical facility for that matter…this really is reinforced by the fact that the medical system has almost killed my grandfather about 3 times now with mismatched medication and mis-diagnosis.. So yeah..
I know there’s a lot of hope and healing going on within, but since my stint with doctors and medical buildings, I none the less wouldn’t piss on it to put out a fire.. I’m not a fan to distil all that to a phrase.
So none the less, I’ve been talking with my grandfather on the phone.. and hearing someone you love not be able to really talk.. just destroys me… To see a man so proud before, now stumble over the words to say that he loves me..
I never really loved anyone as much as I have him.. He’s been my role model since a kid.. and that’s not really a good thing.. I mean he has major faults.. but I still love him none the less…He shared his world with me, he shared his good intentions always going wrong, his dirty jokes, his bad eyesight, his contempt for women, his deviancy, his easy way out, and most importantly He’s stood up for me…and backstabbed me to strangers…He righted and wronged me…but in spite of it all.. I still love him…the person underneath all that military tacked on bullshit brainwashed…now he’s an old man…Just full of stories and jokes… He might not have lived the best life in the world.. but he shared it with me…and saved my ass from jail a few times…
Don’t get me wrong.. I love my father.. but I think I respect my grandfather as a father figure mentally.. so to see someone that you’ve always looked up to be on bended knee is shattering.

I tell you now.. and mean this forever…

Enjoy the time you have with people.. even if you don’t love them. These times are precious.. Don’t waste them with petty bickering or who’s right or wrong. Accept reality for what it is. You sharing time with someone.

I only tell you all of this.. maybe because it’s the first time I’ve cried in a long time..
Maybe because I see that there are people out there who don’t deserve the situation they are in.
Maybe because I wish I had the last 10 years of my life back…
Maybe because I love you and I want you to see that… maybe.. just maybe.. if you look past your loved one’s bullshit.. You might see that they love you too..

Why I even bother trying to describe this is beyond me now in afterthought… but hell.. I did mention I might be emotional…fuck. No… that would be too easy…
Heart broken to see someone half the man they used to be.


I am currently Bummed
I am listening to Grey Ghost by M. Doughty