If only I could speak his name(s)...
12/31/2003 07:32 a.m.
I'm wishing I could still feel your embrace
Still wishing that THIS kiss wasn't our fate
Still hoping it really could be like before
Wondering if our kiss isn't there, what's left?
I don't loose my breath anymore....
and I think that's what hurts
But a part of me wants to keep kissing you, and create our new kiss,
And in between our mouths, a new beginning will be born,
One to erase the deep unhealed scars and complete the gaps in areas that need to be filled, by you....


Sometimes I wait by the phone at night, wishing you would call
Praying that you still think of me in your dreams
That I'm not just some memory placed with yesteryears
Lost among some flattened stories of childhood traumas
If I could be your anything, I'd be the breath that hits the back of your throat on cold mornings, memories bringing nostalgia of winters before.
Always there to remind you, refreshen you, reembracing us.

But then again.....
When nights are lonely, you are not the only one sweetening my thoughts,
You are merely the batter, the base of a cake,while others remain to frost my fantasies.


Rolling in my bed with so many memories, so many dreams, the good and the bad.
Starring at my bathroom floor, and graveling in my head, heart tearing, beating, pounding, bursting through my chest
Ripping and clawing at the peachy colored tiles
And up on the ceiling, there's still pieces of tape leftover from photo memiors
Every inch holds some type of contamination of thought
Even if I were to change the sheets, splash the walls with cheery paint, bury the boxes that still claim this your territory...you'd still find some way of seeping through the holes and earplugs to crawl into my thoughts.
You would make it pour for days on end until I chose to give your memory it's lapse at least just once
Your ring would keep going off, and the name would change on the phone, to what it use to be
Your voice would whisper sweet nothings through the microphone and breathtaking songs would be blasting outside my window
Your memory always lurking until I chose to see you, until I chose to call it quits and give into you, expecting one form of the person I use to know and recieving another
Surprising me some nights by hour long talks and sweet kisses, and others barely even more than an embrace to unravel my sheaths.
Everything's the same, but everything has changed


Will you wish me a happy birthday this year, it's unlikely that you've remembered the date, even if I were to remind you, but why waste the free air.


That ring was not right, it was wrong, all wrong. My whole entire idea of the ring has been shattered by the way I must face it on my finger, telling the world my sorrow yet unmistakebly fucking them off. I look at it sometimes when the hours are frozen together, and it holds no joy for me, only the pain that I can't have it all....can't have any of you.


I realize at night right before I fall asleep, I still daydream of when we use to be so shy, so tender towards one another, and of coarse fogging the air with inside jokes and secrets being hidden between our bodies. Only a year, and it's still so fresh in my dreams, so uninterrupted. I am petrified by you, by your embrace, by just the memory of your love.


God, two men, two loves, two lifetimes with eternities between, lightyears ahead of each other, yet placid and calm and terrifying. Have I used up all my magic? Is there no extraordinary left for my future wow's? Were these two my only two, do I not get to have "IT" all again. Or am I suppose to juggle the two until one day, I drop the other and I go walking cornily down the isle in that traditional white dress, with a smile that could save my heart waiting at the end??? I don't think I could ever love someone that hasn't been with me from the beginning, that doesn't know who I started out as, who I've formed to be, hasn't seen me cry (even over some stupid movie), hasn't seen me shed the exteriors to reveal my bones. Nope, definately couldn't be with a man I don't already know, I haven't already been with, haven't already fallen for, haven't had....


Choose: the perfect pink roses /or the perfect bouquet...(I can't)


"If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one thing
I would sell it to the stars and the sun
I would write it for the world to see
And it's you
The light changes when you're in the room
Oh it's you
If tomorrow never comes
I would want just one wish
To kiss your quiet mouth
And trace the steps with my fingertips"

I am currently Loved