ergh
12/23/2003 06:14 a.m.
read a journal entry today. brought up alot of the uneasiness i had about joining path in the first place.

never knew what went on. never wanted to. still don't. the actual he said/she said b.s. happened shortly before i joined. a friend of mine had just joined path before it blew up and had been trying to talk me into joining. then she deleted her library in protest while i was still making up my mind about whether i wanted to put my things on display to the general public.

she hasn't come back, i doubt she will. left too strong a negative taste in her mouth. i joined morally bankrupt, an lj community started up by the people who left path. reading back, there was alot of bitterness towards this site but it eventually calmed and people got back to the important part - sharing poetry. i didn't know anyone however and didn't really fit there. ended up submitting my ap here anyways, although i had many misgivings.

well, i haven't been kicked out. but then, i've mostly ignored the forums too. still, the misgivings remain. i don't really fit here either. yes, i write poetry - mediocrely. i'm not chatty enough to make a good conversationalist in ims unless i'm on a sugar high. have helped a few people improve their poems and there have been a few suggestions that have helped me improve mine which is good, but i'm neither well known or well liked. if i were deleted, i wouldn't be missed. and i'm loathe to put the work i'd like to do into prettifying my poetry with pix when i could be tossed out without a yea or nay.

paranoid? yeah. it's not like i walk the edge of the rules. i'm not rude and i don't post rudely. usually avoid debates like a plague. i don't (usually) swear and i'm glad they put the rule in about leaving it out of titles and forums. so why do i still feel paranoid?

having my pic deleted without notice didn't help. i don't think the rules said anything about it having to be a visible face when i posted it, but i could have misread. it's been a long time and i have a memory like a sieve. anyways, that was a perfectly excellent portrait of me and said more about who i am than any (visible) close up could have. yes, i was proud of it. i took that pic myself using the self timer on my digicam and it's still the best portrayal of who i am both inside and out that i've seen or done. no, there's no face visible, it's all about shadows...but that IS who i am. but yeah, i'm getting into a rant on the topic and that wasn't what this was about...

the point is that i logged into my email to find an abrupt dismissal of it. yanked down without even giving me a chance to fix it myself. now i could have made an issue out of it, but why bother? whether or not i had misread to start with, obviously it WAS an issue now. wasn't going to win it back by arguing over it.

but that's it in a nutshell. whether it's a picture, a poem, or my presence here...if it comes to somebody taking issue with it i'm not going to win. i'm not going to be missed and few will even remember my writings. bloody paranoia...but then again, just because a person is paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get them.

i dunno...i do like path. i've been here a while now and the positive feedback has helped my confidence in my writing quite a bit. but at the same time, i still have that uncomfortable feeling that i'm edging along an invisible cliff.

but then again, the worst that can happen is that i'll fall. which just means i'll end up going back to building my own webpages again. which would probably be more useful to me in the long run anyways.

heh, i feel much better now.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to adam