The pleasure in a good love story..
12/04/2003 08:33 p.m.
I spent a couple hours with my neighbor...

I walked up, I haven’t talked to her since I started dating Tory.. so it's been a month or so since we really talked..hell, now, thinking back.. I think it's been longer, probably like 2 months.. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that the last time we really hung out, I was so happy about getting the job at the melting pot…Quitting there was something of a disgrace to me.. I really hate quitting something of a professional level.. I'm not usually a quitter.. but I seem to be doing a great job of it lastly.

So I walked in her apartment and as usual...spent about 5 minutes giving kisses and hugs to her Dog 'Five'.. I love her dog.. It's a Italian greyhound.. wiry, little sucker that probably weighs 10 lbs, soaking wet with rocks in it's pockets.. he even gives hugs... But anyways.. So I sat down and started in on the small talk.. the usual, how was thanksgiving, etc.. but the real standout point was what she was watching. It was a French movie called Amille.. A love story of sorts, filled in cracks of great art and dreamscapes.. something that almost takes you off guard, with some humor mixed in... I highly suggest seeing this movie if you get a chance..
It made me happy and sad.. made me laugh, and even get a little misty.. Reminded me that love isn't always a burden, nor is it something you avoid.. It reminded me of the best parts of love.. the silent moments of just enjoying someone's company.. It lifted me up. It took me out of my shell.. it took me away to a place that I had long forgotten.. I saw Bruce almighty for the first time a little ago, and that reminded me of how love looks from a different perspective.. but this reminded me about the romance.. and if anyone knows me.. I'm a sucker for romance...
I came to the back to my reality after the movie was over.. and reminded myself how much I really like my neighbor.. Some of my friends have told me to pursue her.. but I feel so deeply for her, that in all honesty.. I think she deserves better than me. Hell.. when it comes down to it, I think everyone deserves someone better than me. Oh, and to those of you who say I'm being to hard on myself.. You're wrong. Love is something where you're honest with yourself. I'm honest with myself. I know. I know that she deserves someone successful, someone who can take her on long trips away from her stress.. someone who will understand her for her... I understand her.. but I'm not successful..
I swooned over her for months when I first moved in.. I would look foreword to talking to her.. but in another sense, You always look at the beautiful people through bars.. like they are on display at the zoo.. nice to look and take pictures of, but you know you don't belong in that cage of their life. It's much easier to swoon over something that you don't know about. And me? I'd rather be in love from a distance than right up front and personal.
This movie, the main character, reminded me a lot of her.. she even made a few comments that really stuck in my head.
She lives alone.. She is pursued by many men.. I can't blame the men.. I'd pursue her.. She knows everyone, who's anyone.. She's adventurous.. She's beautiful.. and I know she's loving. Sadly to say though.. She's out of my grasp. I'm not being down on myself.. there's just something’s you know about yourself.. and I might be in love with her.. but there's nothing I can do. Some might think I just jump from love to love.. but this is real.. I know.. I enjoy just being around her.. I think she reminds me a lot of Silvia.. too much.. and hence another reason why I think she's out of my reach. I looked at her today.. and I could see Silvia written all over her... and it scared me.. so much in fact, I made an excuse and came back home.

Love scares me. I'm so tired of getting hurt. I'm so gun shy it's sickening... I run from it.. yet I seek it out. Hence.. why I feel that I am...destined to be alone.
If god has a sense of humor, he'll know why I tend to laugh at all my own mistakes.. I herd once that humans laugh when they really want to cry... it's like a defense mechanism. I'll be laughing all the way to the grave.

So, anyways.. the movie reminded me of how fun it is to pursue someone you have feelings for.. and all these ideas popped into my head of how I could pursue Eleni.. and how much I'm really afraid. How much I'm scared of love. It reminded me that we could spend our whole lives in love.. but one day.. hurt will be my best friend again... Lingering until my, or her dying day.
Sad really.. these things we choose not to pursue. Sad the things we tell ourselves we are not deserving of. Sad.

I could spend a lifetime in someone else's eyes.. but to look through the world in my own shell, is something I'd prefer not to do.. I'd prefer to be the person giving out all those helpful hints and knowledge that I've gained.. instead of applying it to my own tragic life.

I'd love to tell you that I'm successful, that I know what I want to be in life.. what I love.. what I hate..
but that’s all meaningless to me. I don't feel anymore... I've blocked all that away.. at least for now.. I don't want to deal with these swirling emotions anymore.. they just cloud my mind.. and remind me how painful my life really is. Some people might think that I'm just being down on myself for making so many mistakes in my life.. but I don't think of them as mistakes.. more of learning lessons. Someone asked me what I'd learned from dating Jeane... I've learned that if you move too fast, you're going to get scared... You're going to question the haste in which you opened yourself up... and then.. You'll run.

Which is why I love Eleni so much.. I've never tried to date her.. I've never tried to pursue her.. I've never told her my feelings.. Why? Because I don't want to ruin a friendship that I enjoy... I don’t want to enjoy looking into her life.. Sure, I'd love to be there when she goes to sleep.. but considering she sleeps less than 20 feet from my bed.. It's almost like I'm there anyways. I think Jeane showed me how much I really need love.. but am willing to for-go for just being secure in my loneliness.
At least when you're alone.. You know what to expect. You don't have to deal with the emotions that show up unannounced.


I am currently Better
I am listening to Standing outside a phone booth with money in my hand