War and love.. and all the BS inbetween..
12/04/2003 02:45 p.m.
I've been really wrapped around the rocks lately... I think I'm just torturing myself as much as possible... So I guess I should lay this one on the line..

You know what I love? I love people who just talk shit behind your back... ::LoL:: I really do.. it lets you know that they are thinking about you then I love people who talk shit about you.. and then send you a link to where they are talking shit about you... Like you're own personal invitation of bullshit..

I'd met a girl off of Myspace.com named Jeane, and we started dating and she got way attached, as did I. I thought things were going way too fast since the word love was right on the tip f my tongue and had stopped myself from saying it more than one time and not to mention, in my situation of living, I figured it would be best to sit it out a while and figure out what was best. I didn't want to make the mistakes that I have in the past by running from my life's problems by loosing myself in someone else's eyes... I felt really deeply in love with her.. and it scared me.. bad. I haven't felt that close to someone in a really long time nd it really scared me. I honestly didn't know if it was because I'd been on the rebound from Tory or just because I was so lonely.. but either way, I asked if we could be friends for now, just so I could focus on what was important.. but she didn't see it that way.

So that started this whole hate relationship between me and Jeane.. which was just fucking fantastic.. just what I needed... Ask someone for some time, and they go and spit in my face. And then... and then.. Write all about it in their live journal... which I was overjoyed to read.. I don't even know why I wanted to know.. it was more of a thorn in my side.. but curiosity always kills the cat.
So needless to say.. I saw how she thought about the whole thing.. So now, I have a 'hate Aaron' fan club...

And the funny part is, I'm fine with it. I'm used to being hated.. it's something that almost brings me pride.. since there's a fine line between love and hate.. but I don't sit here and bash people in my journal that don't deserve it. I guess that’s just me... I don’t want to wander into someone's journal and see my name posted all over the place, just as I wouldn't want to do to someone else.. but hey, everyone isn't perfect..

I'm happy tho.. which I'm sure is strange to consider since I've pushed away...almost anyone that has come to love me. I think I'm cursed when it comes to love, since of my past relationships with women.. starting with my mom.
I don't think I hate women.. I don't manifest myself like that.. I don't think that I have ill feelings for people until they show me a side that I can't agree with..

Some of my friends have asked me about Jeane, and why I broke up with her like I did.. So I might as well break it down here.. since I have the free time and a clear mind.

Ok, She's a 20-something single mom, living with her mom... No car.. No job and a sour attitude to boot... which I can understand all of this.. it's hard being a single mom these days.. Lord knows, My mom had enough trouble with it.. and that was back in 1980... ::sigh::
but I was cool with all that.. it was her mental anguish that really alerted me to what was up.. the things she said about other people.. not to mention.. Her Jealousy.

When we first met.. she picked up my cell phone and went through my phonebook... I joked her about it.. cuz I have a lot of girls numbers in there.. even though I don't really call them.. I hardly use my cell phone.. and if you know me.. I don't call people.. I wait to see if they call me.
It's my personal test.. since I don't want to be the one calling everyone to see how life’s going. I want them to call me. It shows me that they are thinking about me.
As of right now... Lindsey, Neil and Liz and a fax machine are the only ones who call... but back to the jealousy..

I don't react well to jealousy.. I used to be so jealous when I was in my early 20's.. that I would flip out if my girl was hanging out with the opposite sex.. but that was something I decided was very unhealthy for a relationship.. Sure people romanticize jealousy.. but I can't stand it anymore.. I have lots of friends.. mostly female.. and Jeane was getting jealous of me dropping comments to girls in Bangme.net.. which in someway I can understand.. I didn’t overstep boundaries.. I was just fishing for votes.. but to be honest.. looking back on it.. It was really pointless.. I don't need other peoples kind words to make me feel better about myself.. but I will say I met a few girls that I enjoyed talking to and still talk to now...but she flipped out on me and we had a long conversation about it.. but it didn’t solve anything even though I tried to tell her, It's not like I'll ever meet any of these women.. they live so far away.. Just ask Lindsey.. We've been talking off and on for the last 4 years...::sigh:: and yet we've never met.. I love her tho.. she's someone who knows more about me than anyone I've met offline.. Arielle being someone else who I love and adore.. She's been there since my relationship with April Palumbo.. ::whew::.. and that my friends is a long ass time ago.. back when I had long hair...damn.. memories..

So I didn’t think Jeane would react well to tell her about some of the people I talk to and love.. seeing how she flipped out with just the comments on Bangme.. So I kept that to myself...

I told a couple of friends about the situation, all before the conversation, and it was Ricky who told me that I should back off, seeing how she's so jealous, since she wasn’t going to react.. He called me a Fucking romantic slut... Which I agree with.. I am.. I'm a romantic.. a fucking romantic at that.. with my bleeding heart and bent backwards morals.. and a slut.. because honestly.. I can't say no.. If I meet a girl, and she shows me affection.. I can't just reject her.. I need affection.. it's something that feeds my soul.. a soft touch and a strong kiss are the two things that just bend me backwards into the land of love and lust.. I can't reject someone.. and I can't say no.. which is really my underlying problem.. since I'll show someone how tender I can be.. and they think it's just for them.. when in all honesty.. I'm that tender and loving with anyone. I could be a high priced hooker, the way I show my tenderness.. I don’t know what it is.. other than the fact that I am a lover.

So needless to say.. Jeane started falling in love with me.. but honestly.. I don’t think she was falling for me, as much as she was using me for attention. She doesn’t have anyone in her life that shows her love, She doesn’t have anywhere to go to get away from her crazy mom.. So I was like the exit path for all that.. and I shut her down.. So I can't blame her for bashing me in her journal. I think I kind of fell into that groove in here, by throwing out all these little tidbits about her here.. but you know, one screw deserves another. besides.. this is more for me to look over and remind myself not to just give into a sweet smile and warm body. If I would have taken the time to really get to know Jeane or Tory, I would have never, EVER.. even tried to be with them... then again, Like I need anymore friends or enemies..

So needless to say.. after all this... I tortured myself by reading her journal last night and after seeing how "badly I hurt her".. I apologized for being an asshole to her.. which was a mistake.. but considering I hadn’t slept in 24 hours, I was feeling emotional.. and I cried.. it felt good tho.. to get it out of my system.. and then went to bed...only to wake up.. to see that she'd posted our conversation on live journal... along with her smitten comments.. So now... I'm happy. I have my own hate fan club.. It feels like a lovers war. east and west coast…shooting comments in journals.. and the best part?
I learned my lesson. Never trust a big butt and a smile..
Trust yourself.. for you know the true answer.. and one day.. somewhere.. love will find you and prove you wrong for a change.


I had the link in here, but I figure that's crossing the line now looking back in hindsight.. I shouldn't give you all ready access to my "hate aaron fanclub".. after all.. If you're here, odds are you don't hate me, but I dont want to lose you to the dark side... LoL.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to Big blue sea - Bob Schneider