skinless
11/24/2003 08:54 p.m.
it's amazing to me what's been happening to my emotions lately.

so you know, I lived with a girl last semester and now she's in Utah. we went to high school together, but we weren't friends the whole time. I suppose we were pretty good friends senior year. at least part of senior year. I always do something to screw up my friendships and this was no exception. it's hard for me to be friends with girls. I don't think I've ever compared this friendship to the friendship between me and Shereen... but now that I think about it, there are similarities. anyway, I lived with her and sometimes we talked, and sometimes we were just quiet. a lot of the time I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

different people feel different ways about her, but they all feel strongly. she's that kind of person... interesting, involving, mysterious, amazing. some would say I haven't said enough to her credit. some would say I've said too much. but she was definitely all those things. I feel stupid even saying all of this... did I even really know her? I may not have. I can't assume that I did. but I liked her. I know that. and I wanted her acceptance.

I went to church with her. I talked to her missionary friends. I met a family from the church. I participated. why? for a lot of reasons, I guess. curiosity... about her, and my mother, and their shared religious ideas. hope... of finding answers, as always, and of being welcomed into a group. I thought maybe I could find that "home" feeling I was missing. I've been thinking about those things lately. about the church and the people I met. about God and the truth and what my purpose is. I'm not sure I'd be thinking about those things right now if not for her.

and I go, and read what she writes, and sometimes I want to cry. because I miss her, certainly. and because I'm jealous. always. always jealous. I need to get over the jealousy. I'm jealous of her... all of her. her beauty, her talent, her intellect. I've always been sort of jealous of those things. but they are tiny, insignificant in comparison to what I'm thinking of these days. I'm jealous that she knows. that she's so certain and so committed. I'm jealous of the home she feels inside just being where she is. I'm jealous of her comfort. and I miss being near her.

and I don't think I've ever expressed these things, or maybe I have and I feel they've fallen on deaf ears. so I wanted to express them. take them as you want to. I don't contrive emotions. it's all real and true. and now I feel like I have no skin, and that makes me uncomfortable as I imagine actually having no skin would be.

the end.

I am currently Insecure