A tough night
11/17/2003 03:14 a.m.
Tonight is tough, as our little old dog is ill again, very weak, and won't take her pills at all, quit taking them yesterday, won't eat, and is barking in a strange yelp and having breathing trouble again for congestive heart failure and water in the lungs(which is why she has to have all these pills). She's walking weird and seems so lost. But she is in her nineties, in human years.

If anyone on here's gone through this, and has any supportive advice for me, I'd appreciate it.

Of course, I've consulted over and over with the vets, had her in and out, several times, and had her medication and diet changed and upgraded, and even discussed euthanasia only briefly. I've never had to have a pet put down, and know we have to face the very real likelihood of such a decision very soon, if this keeps up. After strenuous effort and diligence, running back and forth to the vet's to find a food she'll tolerate, lately, and leaving her sometimes for overnight stays, having her pick up, only to later fall down again. It's too much to watch her tonight, and hear her cry, and I've had her in my arms or lap much of the night, then sleeping in bed with me, which gave her more peace. I'd feel like some kind of murderer, conspirer, to plan for and take her in for euthanasia, and yet if I have to watch a deterioration and near starvation, kills me and the family. I'll talk to our vet again tomorrow, but tonight will be a long one, I know.
I feel guilty to say it, but I'm praying she just gently passes away in her sleep at home, if she's not going to get better. I guess that's the best we can hope for.

I thought I'd post an exercise of journaling for images (all five senses) that we're doing for two weeks for class. It's an intriguing and revealing exercise, worth doing. The discipline's great, and I've skipped a few days but still think I have some potential poems (haiku, tanka or regular) or inspirations for some. Meanwhile, I'm praying for God to advise me, give me a sign, re the little "Angel," who was my first ever dog, or pet for that matter, besides all my sister's at home when we were kids. We had two budgies in succession, Julia and Perky, three white mice that ended up being 31 and broke loose in the basement and had to all be rounded up before Mom went mad, (we had two males at first with one female, for some stupid reason, and I guess out of jealousy the males chewed parts of each other's tails off. That was gross, but the beautiful day was when we discovered, one morning before school, the litter of little pink bodies that began the over-crowding of our family mice population. We were so excited we could barely leave them to walk to school.
Other than that there were various stray cats, etc. that never got to be kept at our place, which broke my sister's heart in particular. She later turned to larger animals, to fall in love with and sometimes have break her heart, the horses.

Considering I'd no idea how to look after a dog when I brought the little pup home in June, 1988, I guess we didn't do too badly and she certainly has had a good life and contributed hugely to ours. Especially the kids', but ours too, and is so close to me that when I was away ill with my lymphoma, apparently she barely ate then and cried a lot. But most of the time she's been a very lively, perky, noisy sometimes but great pet, and even moreso, family member. She adores one of my friends from here and our poetry circle, immensely, and always likes his visits.
And when she's well, she still loves to bat my husband in play, with her paw, a little game that only happens between them. She is the star of my first image poem.
Some have dates, some don't, and they will be edited and continued or modified later.

Oct 28, 03
old little dog
in the night’s leaf pile
startles a hare, and herself
~~~

crackles first
before trickles
fall morning rain
~~~~~~~~

from out of the blindspot
of my rainhood -
the caped mail carrier passes


from the corner
of my rainhood -
I sight the mail carrier in his

30/l0/03
rotted fencepost
brown and wet
slants today

~~~

cross-bred oak leaf
in my poplar
over the pond
~~~
or
my poplar tree
with oak leaves -
mixed marriage?

~~~~
white arbor trellis
dappled in early morning
sun and shadow
~

soggy bum
rain overnight
on the picnic bench
~~~

last one hanging
the two-toned
maple leaf
~~~~~

hanging alone
the marble cheese leaf
my favourite
~~~~

Oct. 30, 03
over the long distance lines
a friend’s early morning voice
describes the Rockies
~~~~~~~

doorstep pumpkin
still lit
the morning after
~~~~~~Nov.l, 03

over the huge leaf pile
one branch hangs
rake-shaped

Nov 7 03
cranes creaking, hammering echoes
planks dropping
8 am and the chickadees chirp
~

one unseen neighbor’s dog
barks, another answers
morning in my backyard
~~

sales clerks interrupt mine
with questions of her supper plans
she answers them all the while she rings up my charges
~~
jostled hard
by fellow shoppers
in Giant Tiger aisles
~~~~~~

commercials screech
and sound pollute
my radio
~~~~~~

two chickadees
explore the in and out
of a piece of my eavesdrought
~~~

crunch of shell chips
beneath my nails
then smooth film of membrane
as I peel hard-boiled eggs
~~~~~~~

Indian flute
hollow peace summon
from the celtic whispers CD
~~~

tucked within
the blue spruce
the crimson of a cardinal
~~~
Nov. 9, 03
clumps of formed
wet geriatric dog food
pressed by my fork into mush
she leaves untouched, getting
grosser

~~

Around the corner
on my routine walk
a surprise Roman-style platform
supported by grey fat-pillars
water main work starts soon
~~~~~~

thin stream of
running mud
later caked
on our boots
construction in November
~~~~~

bright orange caution
triangle sign imposes
in front of our property
~~~
flashing beacons
huge blue pipes
gravel hills, at my mother’s
~~~
at the train station
waiting for our son's girlfriend
the female voice on the p.a system
syrupy exaggerations of some cities
and another late notice

- warm in my lap
hanging on
my Angel dog
~~~
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Angel crying for me