I'm thinking too much...
11/12/2003 10:09 a.m.
You ever lay down to go to sleep and then just find you cant? Maybe too many thoughts on your mind.. or you're just running from your dreams? Thats how I feel... Like I dont want to know whats in store for me after I close my eyes..
I came up with a nice rhyme tho...

Spill these words that you need...
show you all my latest 12 inch trick...
Fuck you twice, until you bleed
then hit you in the face with a brick..

I know it's not my style.. but I'm angry.. not to mention that joke got brought up in conversation tonight.. so it was lingering in the back of my head.. someone acually said it was an eminem lyric.. Is that so? Who cares.. rap is just a sample of dialect anyways.. I should be a rapper.. I could be the next great white hope... what a joke.

I think I'm too angry for my own good.. all this space madness and cabin fever creeping up on me.. You know.. I havent had an emotional breakdown yet.. maybe its time for a good cry and false suicide attempt.. that might just put me in the happy mindset to write those sappy love poems I see that keep making poem of the day. Maybe I should write a 5 line, hiku type ripoff poem that would woo the hearts of millions.. just because it lacks essence.. just because everyone can latch onto it and say.. Oooo.. look at that.. it's spiffy.

Arg. What's the deal with me? I get stressed, I get depressed, I'm a fucken mess.. and nothing less.

I feel helpless. Like I don't have a future.. or a past anymore.. Loosing my friends was the worst thing to happen to me in alot of senses.. It took away my grassroots system of denial.. Now Im just stuck with fake ass people who don't know me.. so I have to start back at square one.

I'm not completly hopeless.. I mean I still have Ricky, Tory, Michelle and Lindsey.. but fuck man.. these people are all ghosts to me. I don't mean it in a bad way.. but they arn't tangible. Not like Paul was. I guess this is just another lesson about myself that I'm having to go through.. learning what it's like to be alone in a world full of people. I think I know you.. but you go and prove me wrong.. time and time again.

I want to be like brian wilson.. just stay in my bed for a year.. so I guess in a sense, thank god I'm not famous.. or else you all wouldn't hear a word from me for months at a time. I'd just be held up in some room, smoking hash and calling for takeout.. at least then I'd be able to rest my weary mind for a change, instead of this pointless worry and contemplation about where I'm going to spend my time working. It's just fucked I tell you.. my whole life is like an onrunning joke for everyone to laugh at.. so laugh it up... the joke's gotta end sooner or later.

I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Little sister by Jewel