Uninspired...
11/11/2003 07:32 a.m.
It's kinda sad.. looking over all these poems I've written.. all this time I've spent on them.. and not even really wanting to read them again.. I know these are my words.. I know how I've felt and thought.. but now.. I'm just so uninspired. I might have the romantic heart of a poet.. but I feel like I'm loosing my faith in love. I meet someone new, they open a door in me.. and as soon as that door opens.. a cold wind comes to slam the door back closed again...
This proverbial door I speak of.. Is my heart.. I think my trust issues with women, spawned by my mother and fathers relationship has left me with no real feelings about love.. I mean I adore love.. but really.. I don't know what it is.. It's a feeling.. nothing more.. I've loved many people in my life.. but my returns are always few..I might love a friend of mine.. but I expect to get shit upon at some point or another.. I know it's a pessimistic way to look at things, but it's pretty constant of a factor.
Depression... yeah, some people call it that.. I call it fuel for poetry.. I never want to write when I'm happy.. Im too busy being happy, besides.. the stuff I write when I'm all googly eyed and butterflied kissed in love is pathetic...not to mention it just reminds me later on how stupid I was to be like that with someone who didn't deserve that. So what do you do? Be in love with yourself. You might change.. but you're right there by your side.. unlike others who just come and go.. (No pun intended..well ok.. maybe)
You know, I must think about suicide at least once a month.. not like contemplate doing it, more of a question to myself... cuz I know I dont have the balls to run from my problems like that.. to leave all these people that are supposedly going to care if I'm gone.. fuck them.. they don't care now.. so I'm not killing myself off to spite them.. Hell.. I'd be doing it just to have a vacation from this mudball of insanity.... or maybe I'm just the one who's insane... quite the possibility with all the shit I've been through in my life.
Sad I can't sit down and have this conversation with someone other than to myself in a journal.. I wonder what you all must think of me, with my faceles words.. typed into a white page... you getting these little peeks into my mind... is it worth it? Proabbly not.. but at least when I make the 6 o'clock news.. you can be like.. Hey! I know that guy! He sure was crazy!
I guess everyone's lonly in this world.. even the people we think who have it all planned out.. they are proabbly the most lonly, acaully.. since they have to find solice in the actions of the everyday.. while some of us, like me.. Just live for the moment.. since my future looks so bleak.. Hell.. I proabbly should be locked up and away somewhere.. before I hurt myself or someone else.. but I don't think I could be pushed over that line.. I'm too much of a sympathetic pain person.. Hell, I wanted to be a vet when I was a kid.. but then I realized that I'd be dealing with dying animals all the time.. and I just can't deal with that kinda situation day in and day out..
So what's the point of this life? I ask... To find that one person that makes you complete? To have that one moment that defines your life and the rest of humanity? To dig your own hole? What?
A couple of days ago... I almost got into an accident in a friend of mines car.. for a split second I thought it was going to end.. neither of us had a seatbelt on.. and honestly.. I wasent afraid.. not in the slightest.. like it was an amusement ride.. I've been in that situation before.. usually I'm scared.. this time.. I knew.. it was going to be ok.. even if something bad did happen.. and as I said.. I wasent afraid.. I guess it's sad when you look at death as a vacation from this vocation of hell and heaven intermixed on the same plane.. but I guess I'm just open to all the options before me.. why be afraid of a choice when you've already made it? Why be afraid? Point blank.. Live it.. Love it.. it's you're time... so spend it.

and to think.. I can write all this.. but I can't think of a single good poem to write.. what the hell?
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to :: shrug ::