What I've realized about love..
11/04/2003 09:26 a.m.
Forgive my spelling.. I'm a little toasty..

I've just been burned by someone I thought I knew.. Nothing new really.. Hell at this point.. I should expect it.

But its made me question what I find attractive in the oppisite sex... I used to think that it was personality.. yeah, well that helps.. but I can look at someone and think that I could spend my life with them.. just by a picture.. I could fall in love with just a glance.. maybe I just lonly.. maybe I've just decided I'm better off alone..(Which I proabbly am with all my emotional baggage of being fucked over and abandoned) but I do wish to love.. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

I want to be the headstrong male who says to the world.. Fuck you. I don't need your pity or love.. Fuck you.. I only need myself... but we all know that's a lie. Well at least I do. I need someone in my life.. I need someone honest.. I need someone who's going to love me in spite of myself.. and yet.. I just screw myself over in trusting people who really.. don't deserve my love and affection.

I hear people bitch about love all the time.. How they can't find the right person, how they can't be treated right.. how they just are afraid... I'm afraid.. I'm afraid of finding the right person.. then my whole life would change.. I wouldnt be sitting home alone on a friday night hoping someone would call..for once. I'd be happy to know I could just snuggle the night away in her arms.. Happy... for once.

I speak openly right now.. just because I'm not afraid of what you think.. hell.. I'm not even afraid of what I think anymore.. I know I have true intentions.. but I just feel that maybe I don't deserve someone to love at this point... Sure you see a cute face and a smile.. but it lies deeper than that.. I'm a lake that runs fathoms deep.. and as they say.. Still waters run deep..
I may be calm on the surface, but there are fast running currents beneath this calm demeanor.. there are immaculate emotions running beneath this skin...
Maybe she doesn't need to know this.. Maybe she wouldn't understand my love.. Maybe.

It's always a fucking maybe... I want something definite..
Maybe I should just lose my sanity like a set of car keys.. then maybe I could love myself for letting go of a foolish image of trying to find someone who understands me.
Sure.. You might say you love me.. But fuck you.. Your actions speak like thunder compared to the hollow raindrops of your words.

I thought a few days ago, I should just take a vow of poetry.. just spout prose in everyday conversations.. but then I figured they'd lock me away.. and hell.. I figure at this point.. that'd be nice...

Depends on what you consider freedom...
I am currently Bleh