a feeling I can't describe
10/28/2003 10:18 p.m.
Or maybe I can? I am SO in love with Koye right now. So in love. And it's not like any other kind of love. If Eric read this right now he might be pissed but he'd have no reason to be.

This school year has been weird. When I've talked to Koye, it's always been me wondering how he's doing, how he's holding up, how he's being effected even now by what I did to him last year. But you can't just say that. You can't just ask someone if they're still suicidal. If they still blame you. Because answers there are difficult. I know how much I hurt him. Maybe I didn't realize the extent of it at the time... no, I definitely didn't... but I understand it now. And there's no way to take it back. There isn't a thing in this world I could do or say to fix it. That's just not possible. And that is weighing on me. Maybe that's why I haven't called as much this semester. I miss him all the time, but talking to him reminds me of how thoughtless, careless, stupid I can be.

And yet, this entire semester has baffled me, because he's seemed so... fine. So ok. Together, even. And I think after reading that journal entry, I can state what I've been feeling this semester. It's pride. I can remember feeling like my entire life was ending because Koye's entire life was ending. We had endless conversations about how precious he is to me, how I NEED him to stick around. But I never thought he heard any of that. But he's here now. And he's not angry or sad every day. Yes, there are times, he says. But I am astounded at how strong he's been. And I'm just so proud.

Like I said before, there is no way to apologize for what I've done. How do you apologize for giving someone a scar? You know... I just remembered something... that relates, but not really... um, Zane and I used to have these terrible arguments - usually over nothing - and we'd yell and cry and hit each other and, really, you've never seen two people look crazier. And we were having one of those arguments and he hit me. Not super hard, but sort of hard. And I grabbed him by his shirt and accidentally scratched him. Deeply. It bled and you can still see the scar on his chest. I think after I did it, he came back and hit me really hard, but I didn't struggle. I didn't put my hands up or anything. I just let him do it. Cause I felt so terrible that I'd left a mark on him. And it'll be there forever as a sign of my temper, my uncontrollable anger. I still feel horrible about it. If I ever see him without a shirt, I apologize. Even though it happened years ago. People hate to be faced with their faults, I guess. And I scarred Koye. My best friend. And as a result, I'm left with a constant reminder that I'm a bad friend. I was cruel and selfish and I'll never forget that. And it's not so easy to constantly apologize to Koye. I don't want to bring it up. When I apologize to Zane, he doesn't actually feel the cut again. But I'm afraid that when I apologize to Koye, he will.

So what do we do?

Well, we're going to try our hardest to work through it. I still love Koye exactly as I always have. Maybe more, if that's possible. But it's going to be a tough road. For him... I don't want to diminish what he's going through in any way... and for me. For us, as "us." It'll be hard. But if he's willing to do it, to keep moving on, then I totally am.

Koye, I need your friendship like I need water. I love you.
I am currently Insecure