these moments keep creeping up on me
10/13/2003 07:17 p.m.
I've always said... thought... that I am the most open person in the world with my feelings. In a lot of ways that's true. But in some ways, well, it's just a blatant lie. It's gotten worse since I've been in school this semester. Ignorance is bliss, right? Pretend you don't see it and it can't hurt you. Ignore the guy with a gun and he won't shoot you. Act like you don't know that your parents are happier with you and all your problems 3 hours away. Pretend that there aren't any problems going on with you and your best friend. If you ignore it, it can't hurt you. But it's becoming harder to ignore it. It's becoming too blatant to pretend away. I talked to Koye this weekend and my mother today and I just couldn't help the tears. I feel like I'm losing Koye. He's so far away and busy making new friends and getting involved. I'm down here in Statesboro trying as hard as I can to get good grades to prove to my parents that I can... as well as making sure Eric does the same so they'll know how responsible we are. I'm losing touch with him. And I hate to talk to my parents on the phone because I can feel how much happier they are now that they don't have to deal with all the bothersome "interracial" shit. But I love talking to them because sometimes I forget what it's like to have a family.

There was about a ten minute span on Sunday where I sat in a daze and felt like I wasn't connected to anyone in the universe. I didn't feel like a friend or a girlfriend or a daughter or an aunt. I felt like I was floating around in space. Completely alone. And I put myself there. It's no one's fault but mine.

Things are wrong. Like the whole white-washed tomb thing. Like, things look good on the outside. I'm getting good grades; I have a great boyfriend and a financially supportive family. But when you look deeper... it's all just... wrong.

And I'm not really sure how to fix it. Um... I guess I'll just do the "Emily" thing to do and wait it out.

Maybe this sounds way more dramatic than I intended. Well, I didn't mean it to sound that way. So. Yeah.

I'm going to go buy a coffee and wait for US History to start.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to people typing and I SWEAR the printer sounds like my alarm clock