broken wings and broken bones always result in broken hearts...
09/16/2003 05:39 a.m.
so how is it that my life is so surreal? how is it that time passes but i never feel like i am never growing up, never changing. i am just watching the world pass em by like a girl watching the carousel go round and round yet never getting on. the fear i feel has rooted me to the ground and i cannot move from where i stand, never changing never living. refusing to let anyone inside my head, inside my heart, where i could get hurt again. i don't want my heart to be ripped out again, i don't want to feel that pain again. nonono, i would rather stay here, safe inside my soul where no one knows of my weaknesses. but i also feel like i am missing out on life, missing the flight that i have seen others enjoy. and i want it for myself. i want to be free, to float above this world. perhaps once i did fly far from this world, above it where the people became ants and my life on earth unimportant, but i fell. i fell back down to this wreched world, this place where hells fires burned my wings as they did of Icarus, the wax melting them away from his back and burning them until they were nothing. they can no longer be used to fly, and as i hit the ground my bones shattered like glass, splintering into a thousand glistening pieces never to be returned to their origional places. now held together with my toothpicks and glue that melts when i cry and takes me hours to repair. so no tears may fall from my eyes, theur salt stinging and burning my cheeks no more. they are trapped inside my head just as i am trapped inside myself. longing to escape and rarely permitted to. and i really believe that the only time i will ever fly as freely as i once did, floating peacefully in the brilliant blue sky, happenes to be the day i die. for until then i will always be trapped inside the glass box that i made for meyself, a box where all can see me and none can reach me, because i fear that if they touch me i will once again crumple. their fingers will poke and prod and question. they will ask for answers i cannot give, for facts i cannot say. i cannot trust, i cannot afford to be hurt again. but still i wish to fly, and so i rationalize, thinking the more people i have carrying me, holding me up, the less chance there is i will fall. so i choose several, and let them dig their claws into me in exchange for a promise to never let me fall. but can i choose just one that will never drop me, never disappoint me, never break me? of course not, i need to keep them all...
I am currently Embarrassed
I am listening to the flapping of eagle's wings in a place i long to be