running circles and circles inside my head...
09/08/2003 06:37 a.m.
here we go again, my brain is spiraling out of control. the thoughts ruling me, never allowing me to rest or even brethe deeply. i feel as if my lungs have collapsed and i am trapped here inside, suffocating because of my own brain. how i wish it was easy, just slice me open and out i pop. free to roam, to talk, to dance without any rules, without anything to hold me back. i spin in circles, arms out like a child...spinning in a grassy field until i am forced back into reality, back to a place where people die before they have ever lived and nothing is fair. in a place where i live for the few e-mails and poems that my romantic interest sends me, for a feeling so exquisite that i cannot even begin to use words to explain it. the fire within me burns so brightly i fear the day it is extingushed and i am again laying alone in the cold damp dark cell of my brain. this happiness i know must be followed by some sort of torment, some sort of evil, mocking me in tones i do not recognise and cannot answer. i run from myself, run from my own thoughts of watching the blood ooze from my pores, painless and silent, as sweat drips from an athelete. tonight i am utter dispair that i will never be happy with myself, never be happy with what i do. that i will never be more than mediocre because i will never have tried to be any more than that. my mind cannot seem to rest, it rund constantly in cirlces, flipping and tumbling in a most exquisite manner. there are times when i read things i know are intened for me and i wonder who they are talking about. my magicalartist who is the most wonderful person and poet i have ever met, constantly makes me feel as if he knows a different person than i do. he sees prefection when all i can see is failure. there are no words to describe his strength, his kindness...he shines brighter than any star that hangs in the night sky, brighter than the sun which lights the whole earth. he lights my world, i simply reflect his own light back on his dark soul. but where my soul is dark and empty his soul is dark but quite full. i am nothing, while he is full of everything. i am afraid i will never be satisfied, my thirst never quenched. i will be forever searching, looking for the missing pieces to myself in order to feel whole again. so that the sharp edges of my dark voids will stop slicing into my brain, killing it little by little. and slicing makes me think that by slicing my skin i will somehow remedy the feelings of pain inside my brain. but i know this to be untrue, i have talked to many people who tell me so. so i just try to be, try not to act upon the urges which at times overtake my mind and my thoughts, freezing me in time and space. panicing, feeling the walls of my dorm close in to suffocate me, like a plastic bag is over my face. obscuring my view and preventing the sweet oxygen from entering my lungs. feeling the tears behind my eyes, repeating that i will not, will not cry. no one will see me hurt, no one will see my fears. and so i push it down, bury it inside me until i explode, until the pain eats away my insides leaving just a hollow shell. and then i really will be a corpse, posed and plastic and unable to produce emotion or feeling of any type. the perfect daughter, student and role model, but unable to become attached. unable to lie...unable to do just about anything. but would i be perfect then? would i not care if my mind ran in circles? would there be a mind to run? ah, these pathetic thoughts that float through my brain to leave me utterly confused. you, my uberlywonderfulest poet, make me feel alive when i thought i was dead. you make me feel safe when i am scared. you let me see the light when all i know is darkness. with you i am happy where before i was sad. what will i do when you leave, just as all the others left? unwillingly and sadly, but still you will go. i warn myself not to love, but it is too late. i have fallen, and fallen hard to earth. to this mortal land where pain is felt and the price i will pay for this love is my life...
I am currently Pathetic
I am listening to the irregular breathing attached to my panic attacks...