Madness, I tell you... MADNESS!!!!
07/21/2003 03:26 p.m.
You know.. I feel as tho I've had a nervous breakdown... but for some reason, it feels good to be crazy...

A thousand thoughts running through my head at a breakneck speed all on course for thier destination. Maybe this is a side effect of having ADD... well... other than not being able to spell thier or is it, their? like it matters... well maybe to you it does.. enough about you... lets get back to me.

I've learned so many new/old lessons again, comming back home... It seems that I'm always best out of my element.
Take me away from my home town and I can get my shit in order... but take me back to old dependable home and I'm a different person. A no one that everyone knows.

Well I've done the moves from Norfolk to Snowshoe and back to Virginia beach.... I've delt with the drama in my family... I've delt with the drama's in my circle of friends.. not to mention the one's I came back to after snowshoe..and it's all taught me the lesson..
Do for yourself... No one else is going to help you, hell.. it'll be a joke to see how far you can fall... that's how crackheads are made.

I've had to walk 15 miles home at 6am.. just because I didnt want to bother anyone... my left foot is still killing me... that taught me the lesson about being able to depend on yourself and others...

I've learned that lovers can try to burn you twice in a long going conversation I've been having with an ex of mine.. I broke it off 10 years ago.. and she kept popping back up.. and to be honest, I wanted to see how the last decade had gone.. it was nice to refresh.. then to realize that we're not refreshing.. we're just rehashing... It's the same old shit, no matter how you shuffle it in with the papers of age and years. Just let the past be the past.. even if some people can't let the past go.

I've learned that you can never go home. Speaking of that metaphore.. I've learned what that really means.
You can go back to where you grew up.. but it's not the same.. It might smell the same, it mike even look the same.. but those are just that.. Memories.. cherish them, but don't live in them. Don't waste our time here.

I've learned to love the beginning of a relationship with someone.. that whole tense moment waiting to see what the other person will say... those still tender moments that pop in before even being able to think about foreplay. Those times when you just don't know. It's alot better than old and busted ass drama waiting on the other end of your cell phone while your stuck in traffic. It's like a breath of fresh air. What makes it so new? Proabbly the knowledge that you can't get hurt. You may like someone.. but until you really sit down and vest your best intrests in the relationship, you're free to be yourself. Or maybe someone else if that's your bag.

Madness.. the point of this entry..
I feel like I am insane.. all these thoughts running through my brain.. Who do I pick? What do I like?
Is it worth all this time here to have to ramble on to no one? Proabbly not. But for some tender moment.. you see what I am.. or at least how I think. Like that's worth your time.. but maybe when I go off and do something stupid you all will be looking at my shit.. CNN will be doing an expose about my criminal writings here on P.O....wouldnt that be a fucking crock? I mean what the fuck? Do I have to always do bad things to get attention? That's what it really seems like in this universe.. I mean fuck.. Look at Eminem.. just say fuck your mom a couple hundered times and then drop the finger to the camera's and next thing you know the media is so pissed off they wanna put him up on the page to get more media in an uproar.. Great plan.
Sign me up...
I'll take 3 rifles, 2 arab kids and walk down to my local school around 2 o'clock with a box of shells and a grin on my face.

That's all america really responds to anymore.. Violence or scandal in the media. After two decades of having a rot box in front of us, showing us full frontal murder, then rock the system with a not guilty and blam! Media hype in the bank. We eat that shit up... A whole white nation tuned into what they wanted to call a "White bitch fucking, Football nigger murder" but got slapped in the face when they found he spent all his money not to go to jail.. just to have him move to the whitepower nazi state itself.. Florida. Irony is great. Wanna know how I feel? Fuck OJ.. and fuck you for tuning into that yearlong bullshitfest on TV... Worse than rubberneckers.. People who delight in the degradation of other people.. worse than fuckin nazi's.. and there's a whole nation of them tuning in right now to see someone ram thier car into a telephone pole while being chased by the cops with camera's..I've learned how much I love and hate the media at the same time. They've brainwashed us all into this pistol whipped daze about good and evil...who should die and live... who goes to jail.. and who goes free.

The lesson I've learned out of all of this still leaves me conflicted.. as I'm sure you are after wasting 20 minutes reading my babble..

Live it love it.. it's all you got..
Afterlife? Care to bet it all on a longshot?

You can't save or change the world...
unless you want to make money on making it worse.

and I think too much. proabbly talk to much too.. Don't worry...That whole thing will stop right about now.



I am currently Melancholy
I am listening to Assholes outside with jackhammers at 8am