more of the same
04/19/2003 10:16 p.m.
My feelings right now are really stagnant. And it's like I'm stuck in a not-so-great place. Koye told me today that Tommy talked to Muffin not very long ago. That he said she has a cute sneeze. Hm. It hurt me. You know, it shouldn't cause this is it. Or whatever. But I can't... move my feelings. And thinking about it all... it seems like he and Muffin were more suited for each other. Or maybe, as Koye said, they were just around each other more and rubbed off on one another. But still. The most horrible thing about this is that I should have known. It should have been obvious to me that he and I aren't "compatible" or what have you. Because I waited until I loved him to see that. And I still love him. Yeah. I do. We broke up on a technicality. I would've wanted to break up had he discovered feelings for some other girl. But I wouldn't have stopped loving him. It's the same thing. Only different. So you know, I still love him. And that makes things that much harder. Ten times a day I think to myself "I should call him and fix this and I'll be better and we'll be ok." And I always stop myself. Because it wouldn't work. I'd have to call Eric and let him know. And then I'm back to where I started. Not knowing what to do. I'm SO sorry I drew him in without being sure of myself. I'm a horrible person. I should have been more careful. I'm reckless and thoughtless and mean. And I'm sorry. That journal entry... I don't know. It was like... a punch... because, I don't know, hearing that he thinks it's "for the best" is like... dying. It's like a tiny death every time I think about us not being together. And he's so... calm and accepting and rational about this. Even when I was crying and going "um, um, um" on the phone, he was saying "calm down, hon, please don't cry..."

This isn't easy. I'm in a lot of pain. And I'm a horrible person. This is so... ugh. Yeah. I've ceased to make any sense so, you know, I should stop typing now. Yeah. Wait. Um, I don't want to leave this without mentioning how great it was to see Koye. We shopped and ate and it was just wonderful. I can't wait for this summer. It'll be so perfect. Hey, we didn't go to Barnes and Noble to look for cute Starbucks boy. Hm, ok, it's on the schedule for summer. So yes, my life isn't a total mess... things are peachy with Koye. And there you have it, kids.
I am currently Gloomy
I am listening to just my typing actually