make a wish
04/15/2003 03:17 p.m.
When Koye and I were on the phone all the time last year, he'd say that usually at 11:11. And we'd make our wishes. His never changed. Mine always did. Sometimes I'd have the same wish for a few weeks, but eventually it would change. And sometimes I wondered what his wish was that he didn't have to change it all the time. But I can't know cause then it might not come true.

All of that to say... I don't know what I'd wish for when 11:11 comes around. I want everything. I want it all. I don't want to lose anyone or anything. I've worked hard to get what I have, and to lose it would be to lose a part of myself. But I'm not being fair. I've been the worst possible person I could be. And it's not fair to the people who love me.

I have to do and say things I never thought I'd do or say. And that makes me enormously sad. What have I become? I never, never wanted to be this person. I never, never fathomed I'd have the chance to be this person. But, here I am, stuck with what I created. I made this situation. As much as I could shift the blame, I don't dare. This is all on me. I'm the one that caused all this pain. And it's my responsibility to stop it. And more pain will be caused in the process.

I'm sorry. I didn't ever think today would come. But look, it's here. And I really am sorry.
I am currently Melancholy