last night / this morning
03/31/2003 04:25 p.m.
It was about 11:45 and I decided to go get a Diet Coke and be in bed at a reasonable hour for the first time in a long time. I counted out the 60 cents and made my way down the stairs. As I walked, I heard someone behind me. I didn't look because I assumed from the footsteps it was a boy and he'd be stopping at the second floor. But the person kept up with me and got closer and closer to me. Eventually I stopped and Eric ran into me, almost knocking me down a few stairs. I laughed and hit him and told him not to do that ever again. I was in my pajamas already and feeling sort of self-conscious but I forgot about it and acted cool. I bought my drink and then we went back upstairs. We sat in the hall outside my door which is the custom and we started talking. ...I'm not even sure how to describe the conversation. I cried. He almost did too, which is always a surreal but oddly nice thing when it's a boy and all. He'd been drinking. I should have known. I could smell it on him once we sat down. Apparently the boys on his hall wanted to "try out" the Bacardi 151. He'd taken 3 straight shots and he told me later he'd tried Vanilla Smirnoff and orange soda like Jersey suggested. He didn't seem too drunk, but he was more emotional than usual. I hit him again and told him not to drink without me. He laughed and proceeded to tell me the story of his Saturday night. He went to the club and stopped Charice from fighting Afton. Yes, our hall is FULL of drama. But he told me he wasn't going to go to the club. And I was just saying to Koye last night that he'd never take me on a Saturday and it's a weird and not good feeling to be left out of something just because I'm white. So I was upset when he told the story. And I told him why I was upset. That I felt left out and why wouldn't he take me to the club on Saturday night? "You know I think of you as innocent... but not just that. I think of you as an innocent white girl." Oh my heck. I've never cried that hard in front of a boy, I think. I told him he's not what I thought he was, that I thought he didn't care about that stuff, and how I don't change or hide anything with him because of our differences. "Do you want to see me like that - smoking and fighting?" It took me a minute to figure out what to say. "It's hard to be friends with a person I can't see all of." He was quiet for a second and then told me how deep I was. "You've been real with me and I haven't." And his eyes were red the whole night. We talked like this for a long time. At one point I stood up and felt like I might fall over. I figured it was late but I had no idea that he didn't leave until 3 AM. I finally crawled into bed, feeling drained but resolved. We straightened things out, I guess. He laughed and told me "Oh it's true, we're going to Buckwild's on Thursday and to Legends on Saturday. Oh it's true." And even then he understood. "I can take you to the clubs, that's not the issue. That doesn't make it right. It's about thinking of you differently." So I think he understands. It was a hard night. Full of things that were hard to hear. And I don't know what's going to happen. Except that we're going to Buckwild's on Thursday and Legends on Saturday. Oh it's true.
I am currently Disillusioned