dr. steinberg
03/26/2003 07:47 p.m.
So I went to be advised today after many false alarms and much confusion. Dr. Steinberg... who was quite upset to find me as his advisee as he specializes in Russian military history and I'm interested in the middle ages... was, um, good for me, I suppose. Like... what I've needed all along. He scared me. It was exactly as it should be. I think I scared him too, which is kind of upsetting, but understandable. He laughed when I said something funny which was a relief. We talked about being serious and if college is too hard then just leave... things I've never thought about college, but should have thought. I see college as something mommy and daddy want me to do. Well, as a teacher, that pisses him off. Do I want to be there? Do I want to get an education? Do I want to take classes I don't like so I can get a full education? Am I serious about college? I've never seen college as MY goal until today. College is MY goal. Mine. And I want to do it because of me. Not because I'll be the first of my siblings to finish and make mom and dad pround. That's an after-effect. I have to finish because I want to be educated. For me. No one else. And it's going to be work. "Nothing worthwhile was ever easy." Many adults (and, um, a boyfriend, ahem) have said that to me but I've never heard it the same way before. In the context it was in... with him wondering if I could make it... with me complaining... telling him I was afraid... it made sense in that moment. He asked the dreaded "What do you want to do with your life, Emily?" question and I thought I might cry. I was on that border where my eyes start to burn and my nose gets a little crinkle... more than once. I just kept thinking "Don't let this guy see you cry... you have to prove you're tough." And I was tough. And never have I heard myself say the things I said. "Oh, I know how to write papers." I've never been so confident. And he had to believe me... I had an honors English recommend to prove it. But this isn't about proving him. Or anyone besides myself. This is about me now. And that's scary. But I'm ready for it. I have to be. Thank heaven for Dr. Steinberg.
I am currently Strong