love
03/20/2003 04:56 p.m.
For the past two weeks Tommy and I have been having very enlightening, deep conversation. Pull out the spelunking gear, kids... let's delve. So my big problem lately (or forever, really) is my self-esteem. My lack thereof. I just think Tommy's too smart, too sweet, too good-looking, too talented, too everything to want to be with me. And I worry that the pieces of me he hasn't seen yet - physical, emotional, everything - he won't like. Of course, when I say this, he reassures me that's not a worry and says these wonderful things about how when he said "I love you" that means he loves all of me. I don't have to worry about what he thinks anymore. I should know that he loves me. And my thought here is that I would be more comfortable if we were around each other more. Yes, the SAME thing he said about sharing his feelings and emotional things. So it was a two-way discovery. And I said, "You know, when you say the things you say about being comfortable and feeling safe, that goes for you too." If we should feel comfortable and safe around ANYONE it should be each other. I'm his girlfriend. I love him. He's my boyfriend. He loves me. So there should be an intimacy. And there is, really. But it would a greater intimacy... deeper... if we were together more. Which is... a sad thing to know. Cause there's nothing we can do about it. But it's not like we're all surface. We can't complain about our depth - we do have depth. That's extremely nice to know.

Hm. So the end of all this is... I should be comfortable with my body, my metal abilities, my emotional basketcaseness because he loves me. And he should feel safe sharing how he feels and telling me about emotional things because I love him. It's this giant bond of doing really scary things but knowing it's ok cause there's love.

Never, never, never have I experienced anything like this. How could he possibly worry he's not perfect for me?

He is.

So, um, thank you, honey. For everything. The talks, the love, all of it. I couldn't dream of anything better. Nothing better exists.
I am currently Devoted
I am listening to typing