femininity
03/13/2003 09:21 p.m.
Sitting in math class today, inspired to write by our substitute teacher who was kind of a character, an idea came to me. I had inadvertently started writing a poem about my second grade teacher. And my thoughts started going all over the place. Finding women in my past who have influenced me. Women I have SO much to say about. Teachers and friends and relatives. There are so many. And the words kept coming. I wrote three poems in class. Many more are floating around in my brain waiting for me to put pen to paper.

There are many reasons this happened today and not any other day. A little while ago Koye directed me back to Tori Amos. To find me. And when I was finding me, I found all kinds of things from other people that I'd borrowed. They don't mind, I'm sure. But a great many of these things were from women. That's factor number one. Factor number two has to do with Tommy. We had an... awkward conversation last night about all manner of things and it ended with me being very self-conscious as a girl and fearing womanhood as a whole. There are things about being female that kind of make you wonder if it's worth it. And all day today I was pondering being a girl and what that means for me. I was feeling kind of upset with him... about things he'd said. Wondered what I was supposed to do with all that...

And eventually I said to myself "OH MY WORD. Calm down. I am the luckiest person in the world to be a girl. So what if there are bad things about it? I get to be a girl. And you know, that's the best thing ever. Look at all you've learned from girls that you could NEVER learn from boys." So I evaluated the situation. And kind of resolved to be proud of my girlness... long hair and full lips and big breasts and big hips and short legs and internal sexual organs... all the things that make up my girlness. But not just the physical (though that's a major part of it) but the emotional. The jealousy, self-consciousness, sadness, anger, fear, hope, love, joy... all of those things. I'm happy with the things I feel. I like feeling. And I'm not afraid to express those feelings.

So there was a lot of power going on. It transferred really easily when I got inspired to write. First Lynn, then Wendy, then my mother. When I started the poem about my mom, I almost instantly started crying. She does that to me. (o: And, you know, it doesn't even matter if no one reads them or likes them or whatever. I'm writing them for me. To remind me that all my girlness is wonderful.

Thank yous to Koye and Tommy (wow, two boys! (o:) for unconsciously setting this all into motion.

Note: I should also thank Ashley for a conversation earlier today about elementary school teachers... that probably helped as well! (o:
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