i'm not like that- okay, really, i am.
02/20/2003 12:59 a.m.
so, being single again is kind of a double edged sword. i have to graciously admit that i am somewhat of a whore. i dont really know how to explain it- but think of 'whore' in the most non-sexual (but still having an upside) way you possibly can. that's me. i just like being there for everybody, that's just my nature. and being single allows me to nurture this, true. but on the flipside, most of the people i'd do anything with are close friends. who probably dont want the slightest bit to do with me as anything more than a friend. everyone is too afraid of weirdness. i'm just feeling so unimportant to everyone but one person. Not to mention half of my friends hate the other half- so i cant do anything with anyone without someone shoving a load up my ass for it. i'm not sure if i do want to be this way- somewhere in my heart, i want a long term relationship with someone. but part of me wont let go of the fact that i'm just a man-slut.

in other, less-like-that news, i'm becoming paranoid as fuck. Dillusional. like, tonight, my dad. he was driving me home from school on a different route than we normally take, and he was goin a lil fast. I get this idea in my head that he's going to take me to some remote location to kill me. i'm so fucked up recently. like, i heve these things in my head that i couldnt possibly explain. it seems like everything could be some part of a massive plot to kill me or ruin my life or whatever- some times things just fall into place just too convieniently sometimes. i'm always thinking that when i wake up one morning, i'll go to open my bedroom door and my brother will be right there ready to stab me 42 times. i get freaked out when i misplace dangerous things- i'm always assuming someone stole it and is just waiting around the next corner to destroy me with it.
holy cow, this doesnt make sense.
i'm sorry for being such a fucked-up kid.
I am currently Paranoid
I am listening to thriller- Better than ever