May
02/06/2003 09:54 p.m.
Looking at May from where I stand... I don't... I can't even see it. Only just the mountaintops peeking out, mocking me.

Every time I remember a smell... or the way his face looked when I'd wake him up... his smile after he kissed me goodnight... I get lost in things that don't exist anymore. Just memories in my head. And that's fine. No, that's wonderful. The remembering is... nearly as intoxicating as the happening. But it's being out of that frame of mind. Doing the laundry, paying attention in pre-calc, writing papers... those are the times it hurts. Or when he says something completely sweet and I want to wrap my arms around him. Or when he says something insane and I just want to tickle him. I look beside me and there's no one there.

I reach my hand out... and then pull it back.

Try to giggle into the phone so he knows I'm listening.

And then it all goes back to May. In May, I'll tickle you for that, mister. If this were May, I'd kiss you right now. When May gets here, I'll have to hit you for that comment, silly.

May.

It's a long time to wait. A really, really long time.

But he says he can. I believe him.

And I can too.
I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to "Violently Happy" by Bjork