"last phase"
01/18/2003 08:31 p.m.
I said I wasn't going to do this anymore. I said I wasn't even going to mention him. But I can't do that. My heart is so heavy. It's filled with... just stuff. Crap. Whatever.

Is it the last phase? I hope to God it is. I don't think I can make it clear how much I want this to end. I want it to be a year later when I can come back to him and he's not upset anymore and he's moved on and we can start over. It'll never be the same. But I want to be in the stage he's in with Simeon. There's history. Some bad stuff. But that's okay. He looks at him in a good way. I don't know. I just want everything to be okay.

Maybe that's asking too much. The spoiled bitchy little princess... always wanting her way. But was "my way" really too much to ask? I didn't think so, but I guess it was.

It's not like I haven't randomly insulted him since this mess; I have. So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that he's insulted me too. But I'm sorry it's come to this. I honestly am. He was the only good thing in my life for nearly two years. I had other people; I don't mean to slight them. But he was it. My best friend. That's not an easy thing to let go of. Whenever I express any good feelings towards him, whomever is present usually tells me to stop it and remember what he did. Encouraging me to be bitter. That's so silly. At this point, all I can do is wait. My feelings won't change. How could they possibly if they haven't already?

But I'm looking forward to whatever happens in a year or so. When for some reason we'll have to face each other and decide how we'd like to react to that. I just want to hug him again.

I am currently Tired
I am listening to "Flake" by Jack Johnson