not an explanation... yeah.
01/02/2003 04:58 a.m.
This is it. What it comes down to. It's not about specifics. It actually has nothing to do with him. I talked to my mom this morning and we cried together. I'd been wondering when the tears would come and they came today. She sat there and just let everything out. It was too similar to what she's dealing with. I knew when I used the phrase "sexless marriage" that she'd react strongly... not only because she wouldn't expect those words from me, but also because she's repulsed by the idea and has to live with it. A conclusion was reached, as is always the case with my mother. I deserve better. I deserve a guy who wants to "maul you in the kitchen when you're cooking dinner." I want what people generally want. The whole family thing. Husband and wife and kids... and that means sex. So it isn't really about him. It's about not settling. It's about not cutting off a part of me. And I don't care if he doesn't understand that. Or if other people don't. I understand it. And I don't owe anyone an explanation. So why am I typing this? Yeah, good question. I'm used to giving explanations. Anyway, the tears with me don't generally stop very easily. And I cried in front of him. I don't like doing that. But he was perfect. Just stroked my hair and held my hand and said things like "you know it'll all work out... don't cry... it's okay..." Things he wouldn't say before. I guess it was the seeing that did it. And then I cried with my dad. He knows when I'm sad. It's impressive, honestly. So I told him the whole story and he was perfect too. He said all the right, fatherly, protective things. In any case... this is just me putting it all out. If wanting to have sex with a life partner makes me a prostitute then set me on a corner in some fishnets. I'd like to compromise with him. I want his friendship. I love him. But I'm not going to stop being me for him. No one gets to ask that of me.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to "Sweet Sangria" by Tori Amos