plans and things
11/30/2002 11:47 p.m.
I started typing things... I don't know. They're just things I've been dealing with. Maybe in ten minutes I could come back to the subject and say something totally different. But this is the inital feeling...

Sometimes you have to stand up and say enough. When a person forces you there... when someone says "Sure, I love you..." and then turns to the boy next to them and whispers "...but I'll always love you most," those are times you have to turn the page. Or at least reread it. There was a period I was very sure of my future. I'm not anymore. I won't allow myself to do that. I won't be second best. I won't be the back-up plan. I deserve better. Everyone does. So it's time to reevaluate my priorities. I always put him first. Always. And I thought he did the same for me. I was wrong. Well, you get to that realization and all your plans are pointless. He was letting you think it was exactly what he wanted when you were actually just all he could get. That's not a good feeling. I've been that for too many people to want anymore of it. What does this mean? It means I'm not going to try so hard to convince him that he's number one for me. He is and will continue to be. Love doesn't just stop, of course. But if wants to believe he's less, I'm not going to go so far out of my way to convince him otherwise. And I'm not going to dance around any other feelings I'm having. If I want to talk all night to him, I will and I won't apologize. The only reason he's offended is because he might be losing his Plan B. Well, screw him and his Plan B. He was my Plan A.

Like I said, maybe I'll feel differently later. This is just right now. Most of it is just fact. Some is speculation. It's all being blurred by emotion, so that doesn't help. Otherwise things are great. I better be getting a phone call, however! (o:

Life is so fun.

And scary.

Or maybe that's why it's fun.

Oh well.

I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to "Taxi Ride" by Tori Amos