itinvolvespaintolookinside
10/27/2002 03:54 p.m.
I'm leaving for hell in about an hour. That's a depressing thought. Even more depressing is the thought that Tommy is coming back from Virginia today and I get to be either elated or crushed. It sucks that my emotions are all wrapped up in this. It's everything I've always hated about girls, or people in general, really. That they can't just be happy without being influenced by others. It's a hell of a lot easier said than done. Anyone can say "I'm happy. What you say can't get to me." But not everyone can really do that. Even if you say it, things still get to you. Yeah, Jared, you're only hurt if you LET it hurt you. :) I know he doesn't hold to that anymore, but I still like to tease him about it.

My dad actually offered to let me leave Bob Jones at the end of the semester. Can you believe that? I was shocked. And sort of offended, I guess. That's why I refused the offer. It was like saying "I know you're fragile and you can't handle this and you're weak so I'll let up on you." I'm too proud... and I need to prove to myself and others that I can do this. I'm not fragile or weak. I can suck it up and finish the year even if I hate the nazis I have to deal with everyday. It's about maintaining what I've always maintained about myself. I'm not going to quit or surrender. It's not like me.

So sucky music 'til May.

Yep.

I like Ben Kweller more every time I listen to the CD. He's so cute. Not like, physically (well, he IS physically cute, too) but the way he says things. He's like a really emotionally in touch version of John Richardson. (actually, ANYONE who's in touch emotionally AT ALL is more emotionally in touch than John.) But yeah, he's cool. Like a more rockin version of Ben Folds.

What was good about this weekend? I'll lay it out for you. I got to see Simeon. That was absolutely the best part of the weekend. Word. And I got to see my nephew and niece. They are so cute and I resent like hell the fact that I'm missing watching them grow up. They get bigger and smarter and all kinds of things every time I see them. I got to see my brothers and my sister (who somehow knew automatically what happened Friday... she has some weird sixth sense). I really like my older brother in general. Zane of course is in that dumb rebellious stage and he can be annoying when he's around my parents. But when just he and I talk, he's cool. And my sister is silly but sincere. I take her for granted, I know I do. She's great. I got to see my parents. And we didn't fight. That was the big thing. No fights. Hopefully that'll make my mom feel better. She was sad last week cause we fought. I miss her more than I ever realized. Just sitting with her or going shopping. You don't recognize that when it's happening. I got to see my grandparents who are some of the coolest people ever. That was cool. I got my hair cut. It's fun. Swishy and stuff. And I got to talk to Koye late into the night. Why am I doing this? I think it's preparation for tonight when I'll say in blatant self-pity "Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? Blahblahblah, pitypitypity, waa." So now I know that's not true. Great things happen to me. One bad thing doesn't cancel those out.

Yep. This is long and I fear AOL will kick me off soon... stupid AOL. I'm gonna go now. I love you and I'll be back in a few weeks...
I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to "Lizzy" by Ben Kweller