Happy Holidays
12/28/2001 06:58 p.m.
montana41@home.com , spaxter@spaxter.net, thesilicondragon@thesilicondragon.com, michaela@thesilicondragon.com, kenyata@juno.com, rhunter420@hotmail.com , solcutter1@hotmail.com, mckinnka@westminster.edu, panterra@wynter.net, pfloyd@tierone.net, ahlers@mathcs.duq.edu, alexius@nauticom.net, i8pucrunvs@gloryroad.net, The_JAM_Chick@msn.com, miseree@kc.rr.com, jeremy81@grapevine.net, kakarotto_dbz@hotmail.com, rsawyer16@home.com, wynterpaladin@home.com, Reid-Hy-80@att.net, brennan1978us@yahoo.com, drwho@virtadpt.net, srini@stickernation.com, fred@tierone.net, the-handgod@home.com, To all, Happy Holidays! I don't care if its like Christmas, Chanukah ('xcus the spellin) Kwanza, Winter Solistice, Gift-mass, or celebrating the December Blues, HAPPY FRIGGIN HOLIDAYS!!! I can't write you all, carpal tunnel would kill me, but i do think about everyone, and wish ya'll the best the coming year. sitting here, baking cookies and listening to Battersea by Hooverphonic (DOWNLOAD IT NOW). Thinking about this year past, and how the coming year might be. Things have been ruff for all of us, but the coming year has the promise of a new day, as every morning day does. Things in my life... My little brother Montana (aka Menace2God) has all grown up, and graduated from Boot Camp this November. I am so proud of him, and always have. I am proud of him, like a parent of their own child. I think i have a right to. I guess we aren't kids anymore. Scarey. I got my first new car, my first job that pays more than minimum wage (goodbye shitty coffee jobs!), and i'm not couch-hoppin/i have a place to stay. So, yippee, I guess... There are a bunch of things i wish i could have done this year, and the saying "another day", doesnt do justice. I wish I could tell my Grandma myself that i wish her a Merry Christmas, though my mother will never tell her i say so. I wish i could visit all my friends up in Pitt, i have been so busy down here in VA, I am going to make the special effort to be at HOPE this year, so i hope i can see ya'll then ("Awe, she still says 'ya'll'). I hope that Mark will have a better year than this one, especially minus the whole roomate ordeal. I hope everyone's cat doesn't hate them as much as my bunny hates me. Why do all my friends have cats? I wish we could find eric, we are all worried sick about you. I just burned a batch of cookies. Fudge, i mean, chocolate chip, wait, um, ohh no, i've gone cross-eyed. For those who have lived in a cave since the last time i saw you, go ahead and visit WWW.pathetic.org/library/58 We all wish for the same things. Peace, rest, Love, comfort, human warmth, happiness and togetherness and health. I wish you all the best of these things in the coming year. I'll hold you all in my thoughts, and though we all can't be together, i hold dreams of each of you within my heart. I hate it when i start to cry. What have i learned this year? Cherish what i do have, be grateful your not starving in the streets, but strive a lot harder to do what i wish i could do. Don't wish, dont try, do it. Love, 0mi Salavea
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Foggy-Come into my Dream (club mix)

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happy holidays happy new year
12/28/2001 06:56 p.m.
my little brothers here, im so giddy. for the holidays i finally got 80% of my bills caught up, so im actually feeling pretty good about the things im usually pacing the floors or staying up late worrying about.

the only thing falling apart these days is well, my love life, gosh this is so pathetic.

my friend cory warned me about this shit, "how could you fall for someone that type?"

'What are you talking about?'

"A person capable of self-absorption and living in a constant state of denial"

....

not like there arent other options available to direct my affections. there are more people out there that i have more in common with mentally/emotionally than this. i keep learning the hard way. Great emotional depth isnt everything to a relationship, and neither is physical prowess. gosh this sucks
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Delerium-Innocennce (Tiesto Mix) download it now

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Journal Entry
11/16/2001 02:57 a.m.
i have been very quiet lately...

everyone wonders whats wrong with me...

the fact i dont talk bothers them more...

its not my fault, im just unable to verbally express what i feel right now...hell, i'd draw a picture, but your cant capture an accurate grasp on emotion with kung-fu stick figures...

im scared. im nervous. about what, i cant really explain to people...

please just tell me this isnt all there is to life, tell me there's alot more...
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Sunrise (Here I am) - Ratty, on Massinova.com

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Tickled
11/04/2001 03:47 a.m.
Im pissed off cus im sick...my nose is running, im tired, im at work, my company is in the hole by like 3k messages that we need to answer, im tired, a mosquito bit my arm, my nose itches, im tired, im nervous about bills, im tired, im depressed which makes me tired.

i bitch like a woman.

I am currently Pissed Off

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people i dont know
11/03/2001 08:10 p.m.
i randomly responded to a person whom i know only through "unusual" responses sent to one of my email addresses. i received, out of amazement, a very human response. funny how strangers with strangeness about them are just as human as you are. it may even turn out that the weirdo is the one typing right now. This stranger has an adorable kitten. I dont know who this person is. I know they live in NC, with pets, a house of some sort, they are single, and they are "well-equipped" for some aspects of life. I dont know what this strangers favorite movie is, what they're preferred toothpaste is, a picture of their face, what music they listen to, what day i send them a birthday card, what they do for a living, do they like doing what they do for a living, if their a republican, if they pick their nose. And this stranger doesnt know these things about me.
I am currently Puzzled
I am listening to another person typing

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Deeper Deeper
10/26/2001 08:47 a.m.
right now ive buried myself under a few Acetametaphine/Hydrocodone tablets, i wish i had some vodka...

the harder you try, the harder you fall...

fuck this is pathetic of me...

and no, this isnt one of those cry for help things, though i appreciate the sentiment, this is just so i could sleep.

i abuse pain killers when im so wrecked like this.
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to Massinova.com - Pistolero - Juno Reactor

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never saw
10/14/2001 02:45 a.m.
i have never seen love turn to hate so quickly. i have never felt comfort turn to hurt so instantly.

and i do love you, thats the sad part.

i love you and you dont even care.

i love you so much i want to help.

i love you so much im about to destroy myself permanently, just to help a total fuck up, who will never go anywhere with his life. and will never appreciate those there to help him.

if i end this relationship, its going to be a very long while before i ever trust anyone the way i trusted you. at least you will have the satisfaction of ruining me.
I am currently Hurt

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$#%@ing Leech
10/14/2001 02:39 a.m.
I thought so much of him, and at this moment, i feel as though i have wasted 10 months.

I busted my ass, i worked so hard to get my life together, to get all my bills straight, AND YOU FUCKED IT UP.

I worked so hard to be able to buy the things i've needed, to be able to afford going to a doctor. To be able to buy the shiny things ive wanted to have for months, to not have shaky hands, to not worry about food this week, or next week.

AND YOU FUCKED IT ALL UP.

And you're so apathetic that you dont even care. And your so arrogant that you dont talk about it. And you're so fucking convinced, that IM GOING TO CLEAN UP WHAT YOU'VE RUINED.

AND IM SO PATHETIC THAT I WILL.

AND I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH I WANT TO DIE, I WISH FOR BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO ME, I WISH I COULD DISSAPPEAR, I WISH I HAD NEVER DONE SEVERAL THINGS. YOU MAKE ME REGRET MY LIFE.

thanks.

I HAVE NO MONEY, I HAVE NO LIFE OTHER THAN YOU, I HAVE NOTHING. I HAVE NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF.

i wish that i could make something of myself, other than the fucking doormat i am.

it would have been better if you never said you cared about me at all. at least it would have been the truth. if you truly cared this would have not happened.
I am currently Disillusioned
I am listening to DJ Sakin- For the Love of a Princess (Braveheart theme remix)

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ponder
10/13/2001 07:42 p.m.
Sometimes we love bad people. and then we realize it, and we feel helpless. Your feelings are real, the person is real, but everything is wrong. everything is painful. everything is not alright.

i dont know what to do, do what is right, by heart and emotion, do what is right by mind and self-preservation?
I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Massinova (shoutcast.com)

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Fearful
10/11/2001 12:00 a.m.
Constantly afraid.
Perpetually worried.
is this normal?
repetitive cycle is ripping me apart
am i to fall through the cracks
and drown in all this mess?
cant function
cant seperate my reality from others.
cant get away from this permanently.
and where i go, if i go,
i managed to stick myself into the muck once more

i'd cry for help, those that would assist arent any better off than i.

to surround myself with something better, i dont know how.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to Massinova, again.

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